At around 14 years of age, at the onset of puberty, I first became aware of homosexual desires. I was attracted to men and only men. Mine was a fairly textbook case; I had no male influence in my childhood (my father died when I was 4) and grew up in an all-female house. This longing to have a father to do things with lasted from the age of 6 until I was 12, but on reaching puberty that longing for a father turned into homosexual feelings. I also suffered from deep inferiority due to being been badly bullied at school.
When I was 43, I became a Christian. One night in a Baptist church some 15 years ago, I felt God all around me - He was giving me a powerful invitation to follow Him. I then prayed to God that if He could heal me after all the strife I've been through, I would believe. I joined that church and started to go to a Bible study group. The first positive thing I could see was that after a while, the inferiority that I had suffered for 25 years started to come to the surface, break up and disappear. This was not a passive thing on my part; I had to co-operate with the Lord by facing fear head-on with Him alongside me. This was remarkable because, over the years, I had tried various ways of remedying my low self- esteem such as counselling, hypnotherapy and Buddhism, but nothing had worked.
My faith is not complicated. I believe that God gave us His Word, His ways are clear and the Bible says there is power in Christ to change. I simply believe in repentance and salvation. I want to become more like Christ and cast my burdens on Him.
I have not had sex for 13 years. I have been enabled to do this by trusting in the word of God especially these verses from 1 Corinthians 10:13: “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it”. At times of sexual temptation when I could go to places where I could meet men, the moment the thought appears, I ask the Lord to help me overcome and it is possible every time.
To speak frankly, it was often military men in uniform that were a sexual turn-on for me and many times in the early days, when I saw a soldier, I could feel desire rising. I came to faith in 1999 and I remarked that after about 7 years, the attraction to soldiers had lessened remarkably. This, of course, gave me great encouragement as I could see the power of God at work and it had to be God as I had done nothing other than walk with the Lord. Another further reduction occurred again 5 years later, and now my homosexual attraction is very mild.
A few months ago, I was watching a TV programme on a Welsh footballer taking about his coming out. He mentioned that he had thought of suicide. I was very aware God telling me of His enormous love for those in homosexuality who are trying to carry a burden that is too heavy for them. I then asked the Lord what should the footballer have done? The Lord answered, "Follow me".
I have a few conclusions:
1. I do not think that God is doing something special for me. If I did think this, my testimony would be of no help to others.
2. The Bible sees homosexual practice as a sin and offers repentance as the only path to follow (Revelation 2: 20-21). In view of all that has happened to me, I would have to say that this repentance and total trust in God must be the right way forward.
3. I believe my homosexual feelings will come to an end. A day will come when I will know that it is now definitely a thing of the past and I can move forward into the new things that God will give me. I am keeping Jesus' words in John 15:10-11 as a promise, "Keep my commandments, abide in my love and my joy will be in you and your joy will be complete"
4. Despite this work taking 15 years in all I have NEVER felt that I wished God would hurry up. This in itself is a small miracle, but day by day I can see God at work in me and trust His best for me. I am walking with Jesus, not running or sitting down!
I have written this so that Christians beleaguered by homosexual feelings may be encouraged.