Experience of pastoral care

When people ask what my personal experience of pastoral care in the church has been like as a same-sex attracted Christian, I’m aware they might be expecting one of two things. On the one hand there is the horror story – the church that actively tells me I don’t need to live in accordance with what Christians have historically believed about sex and marriage, or maybe the church in which I’m made to feel shame for my experience of attraction. On the other hand, is the heroic story – where my attempt to live faithfully is treated as an unusual act of bravery worthy of commendation, or maybe where the pastoral care anticipates my every need before I’m even aware of it myself. My experience has been far less dramatic. In fact, faithfulness has often looked rather ordinary.

I’m quite public about my experience of same-sex attraction, and my desire to live in accordance with historic Christian teaching. Certainly, it is known among my church leadership and the wider congregation. Quite significantly, despite this, it does not feel as though this is the lens through which people see me or through which all conversations I have are filtered. Actually, on the part of the leadership the level of attentiveness has felt just right. I do not feel like I am a problem to be solved – nor am I routinely asked about my attractions as though my discipleship must be more precarious than anyone else’s. Equally – issues around human sexuality are referenced just often enough that I feel able to speak if I’m finding something difficult. I find myself free to be truthful – and free from endless scrutiny.

I have been encouraged (though never pressured) to share testimony in church and speak on related topics. These have been precious opportunities, not only for me, but also because my openness has encouraged others to share vulnerably with me about their own struggles too. Pastoral care has flowed both ways – I have been supported and had the opportunity to support others.

As my church is part of the Church of England, its ministry has been lived in the midst of a denomination tearing itself apart over questions around sexuality. In our congregation, these questions are neither ignored, nor treated as abstract debates. Teaching and discussions reflect the reality of our shared costly obedience, acknowledging the pain and sacrifice of following Christ faithfully. Faithfulness is not elevated into heroism, but recognised as an ordinary thing sustained day by day by the grace of God.

There is no such thing as the perfect church. Even in an encouraging church, there are still challenges and limitations. These are not because the leadership have mishandled anything – but simply because ordinary human life is messy. We share a dynamic that is common in congregations up and down the country. Married couples with young families will often gravitate towards and become friends with other married couples with young families – singles will often do the same with singles. This can make it difficult to build understanding across life stages, or to feel included in different social circles. I suspect none of that is intentional. It is simply the product of habit and circumstance. Even healthy churches carry relational blind spots.

A second and current example comes from our church’s decision to plant a new congregation in another part of our city. This is a hugely exciting and Gospel-driven initiative. We’ve been blessed with the support of our bishops and diocese with an opportunity to share the good news of Jesus Christ in a community with thousands of newly built homes, and very little local Gospel presence. At the same time, it means our existing church family will be split across locations – and I know that some of those closest to me intend to join the new church. That does, of course, bring a natural sense of loss and fear that I could find myself feeling a little lonelier if I stay where I am.
Though here the pastoral approach has been careful and wise – there has been no pressure to declare who will stay and who will go. People are free to discern where God is calling them. Leaders are keen that we work to retain our sense of partnership and kinship. That in itself suggests that the potential for relational bumps in the road is not being ignored. By God’s kindness, my experience has been far from either the horror or the heroic story. Pastoral care in my church has been steady, relational, and grounded in trust. This allows me to live faithfully, to be known, to serve in the ways God would have me serve – and has reminded me that simple, ordinary faithfulness, sustained by God’s grace, is often enough.

This article was originally published in the Spring 2026 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.