My journey to full surrender

I was born on January 12th 1948 into a family of Anglican church goers who sent away their male offspring to boarding school as a matter of course. I have to say all nine years from the age of eight were traumatic for me. The second school, one of the top public schools, was supposed to be established for the sons of Anglican clergy. It was there I first encountered homosexuality.

After leaving this school, my somewhat short-lived employment career was in the education sector, teaching modern languages in mainly state secondary schools; most of the time I was out of my depth. My years as a teacher were terminated when I took early retirement for reasons of ill health.
I had my first introduction to evangelical Christianity when I went to college in Cambridge - not the university. I gravitated to the Christian Union and spent most of my time as a paying guest at a conservative evangelical theological college. During the 2 ½ years I was there, I never realised I hadn’t made a commitment to Jesus Christ. I just wanted to feel part of a community after my harrowing years at school.

Fast forward another twenty years: my then-wife and I went on holiday to Crete and met a lovely Christian elderly couple from Southport. The last evening together, while we were walking towards our usual cafe for an evening coffee, the two of us got involved in conversation. I will never forget the gist of what we said. I was the one who mysteriously stated I believed we were living in the last days. Where I had got hold of that thought I have no idea, because it had been a long time since I had had anything to do with church. The other man stated that he thought I was only a hairbreadth away from accepting Jesus Christ as Saviour and Lord.

As a result of that encounter, I started going to the local Baptist church back home in Hereford, where I soon enrolled in an Alpha course. During this course, I did make a commitment as far as I was able, given my own understanding.S, my then-wife, and I moved to East Dorset, because I erroneously thought I was ready to go to a local Christian training college. Fortunately, I was persuaded that, because of ongoing health problems, it would be unwise for me to take such a course of action.
I became a member of the Baptist Church, where I remained for 11 years. I would describe the church as evangelical and charismatic. Towards the end of my time there, I had a “picture” of myself in a desert wearing a suit of armour which was so tight-fitting that I could hardly breathe, and then suddenly the armour just melted away. 
It was S, my then-wife, who helped me come out after challenging me on numerous occasions about my identity. I denied I was gay until the occasion when I was jet lagged and exhausted, after a long journey back from a short trip to Charleston (South Carolina), and I admitted for the first time that I was indeed gay. It felt as though a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Looking back at the time I was a member of the Baptist church, I would describe myself as I was then as a self-righteous prig who always wanted to win arguments and not necessarily “share the gospel message.” I put it in inverted commas because I didn’t fully allow the gospel to flood my whole being without reservation. I was always wanting to prove myself, and everything revolved around my wishes and desires. I did not surrender to the will of God. Yet I had, as I have explained, committed my life to Jesus in a form of words. At the same time, I was basically holding something back, which included the secret of being gay and I was afraid of being subjected to conversion therapy. Self was still on the throne of my life and dominated my thoughts, words and actions.

Searching for love

I date the beginning of my exploration of being gay from October 2011. Immediately I went on a gay dating website and found, as it turned out, a young man in Malaysia who was totally unsuitable. I went out in the Spring of 2012 to Malaysia. We had a physical relationship for a brief time. I almost immediately had misgivings, but it never occurred to me that I had broken my marriage vows. I was so intent on pursuing my own path of satisfying my own desires. During this time, my then wife was more than understanding to the point of (metaphorically speaking) bending over backwards to accommodate my self-centred attitude. The young man was only after having a good time, whereas I was wanting a long-term relationship, which in the circumstances was completely unrealistic. Our relationship did not therefore last very long. I returned back to the UK and, after a few false starts, found another unsuitable young man from the Philippines. This time he was after money and played fast and loose with the truth. I finally left the marital home in June 2014 after S, my then wife had generously written out a cheque to cover all the debt I had incurred with the young man. Such a gift was completely undeserved. I returned to the Philippines and, soon after I arrived, I told my young companion to leave the flat we had been sharing. It was then that things seemed to improve with my finding K on a gay dating website. Soon after our meeting in the local town, he moved in. I discovered that he was a man of principle and cared deeply for others. I told him at the beginning of our relationship that I thought God had brought us together. 

K came over 18 months later and we got married in January 2019 in Cheshire. We made the decision, rightly or wrongly, that we would go back to the Philippines to live because of the job situation and the cost of living. At that time, K was not exactly an atheist, because on the front door of our flat he put up a banner with Proverbs 3:5-6. We were together in the Philippines during the time of COVID restrictions which, as I discovered, were a good deal more stringent than those here in the UK. 
I eventually returned to the UK. K followed and we ended up in Lancashire for 18 months. During that time, he was able to build up online work as a virtual assistant. After a year, in April 2024, he decided that he was needed more by his own family back in the Philippines than here in the UK, and he could continue his work anywhere. He did return to the UK on two occasions: firstly, for my baptism in October 2024 and, secondly, to help me move down south to Dorset in March 2025.

So, as for my time since coming out as gay in October 2011, I wandered for 12 years in the desert, unprotected. And yet, as I look back, I can see I was never abandoned totally by God. During this time, I had a deep-seated anger directed towards those in the church who condemned members of the LGBT community. Perhaps it would be better to explain that the origin of the anger was a root of bitterness. This anger together with the root of bitterness was completely obliterated in November 2023 when I had an overwhelming experience of God’s redeeming love and the gospel message suddenly became personal. What Jesus did on the cross, He did it for me. I was, and remain, humbled by God’s mercy and grace. I also saw my anger and its root of bitterness as being self-centred (and therefore sinful) because it related to the impact other people had on me.

The next thing that happened in November 2023 was that I became aware of God’s holiness and righteousness. I reviewed my life in that light, which was a sobering experience. I confessed my sin and received forgiveness and cleansing of all my unrighteousness on the sole basis of the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

Separating from my partner

While all this was going on at home, K was with me, as I have explained. We had been living a celibate marriage and sleeping in our 
own rooms.He is an ardent atheist for reasons which could be seen as understandable. He told me that the Philippines’ Roman Catholic church’s stance on homosexuality was predictably traditional, and yet, in his opinion, most priests are gay. K saw the hypocrisy of this and so cannot divorce God from the church.

He has seen the change in me. Whilst I long for him to know Jesus Christ as Saviour and Lord and have shared the gospel message with him, I have tried not to pressure him and hope I respect his position. By mutual agreement, K left in April 2024 to go back home to the Philippines because he was needed more by his family than here.
For a long time, I had been conflicted about being gay and a Christian, and trying to link them together but failing to do so as a result of my understanding of the Bible. I suppressed my suspicions until the time when I came to a difficult and painful decision.

In July 2024, K and I had a video call where I told him I could no longer love him as my husband because I now held the biblical view of marriage to be between a man and a woman, which uniquely involved a sexual relationship. K said he had been expecting this, so was not surprised. He respected my decision, but disagreed with me about my position. He has seen the change in me, whilst being here until April. 

Finally surrendering all

I was baptised on the last Sunday of October 2024 (27th) at my church in Lancashire. K came over for my baptism. He told me he wanted to support me, and I told him he was very welcome and I really appreciated his decision. He went back to the Philippines. Since that time, I have moved to a residential establishment for retired people. I have found a local church, whilst keeping in contact with the church where I was a member for   11 years. I look forward to the future and know God will reveal his perfect, sovereign will for my life. Wherever and whenever He leads me, I will go or stay. The key is to surrender daily to His guidance, according to Proverbs 3:5-6:
“Do not lean on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.”

This article was originally published in the Autumn 2025 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.