Review: The Intimacy Deficit: Fully enjoying God, yourself, others and creation” by Ed Shaw

It turns out we’re all missing something - and not in a self-help cliché kind of way. According to Ed Shaw, what we’re lacking is intimacy: not just sexual intimacy, but a deep sense of connection. Shaw calls this the “intimacy deficit” and it’s something that affects everyone, Christian or not. 

Being autistic, I found it quietly amusing (and oddly fitting) that I was asked to review a book called The Intimacy Deficit. It feels like a subtle nod to some of the ways I experience the world. And while Shaw’s redefining of intimacy isn’t linked to autism, it certainly doesn’t exclude people like me either. 

In a culture where intimacy usually means sex, Shaw challenges that narrow definition. Tying it solely to sex leaves many feeling starved for connection. His book rescues intimacy from the bedroom, showing how it can be experienced in many ways: intimacy with God, ourselves, others and creation. When these are missing, we suffer. When they’re restored, we ease. Shaw defines intimacy as “oneness through connection” or “fullness through relationship.” He points to Jesus’s prayer in John 17:21: “That all may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.” 

That verse made me pause. Am I truly one with God, myself, others and creation? The honest answer was no. This is the deficit. But it’s also an invitation to seek connection and joy. Shaw begins with intimacy with God: our Father, our friend, even our fiancé. True intimacy, he argues, starts not with human connection but with the Creator himself.  

Jesus’s words in John 15 really struck me: “I no longer call you servants... Instead, I have called you friends.” He didn’t just die for humanity, he died for his friends. Tim Keller describes friendship as “constancy and transparency,” and I’m grateful to have people in my life who model that - friends who check in, include me in family life or help with appointments and life admin. But even at our best, we can’t be constant for one another in the way God can. He’s the most reliable friend we’ll ever have. 
Shaw also draws on the biblical image of marriage: Jesus as the bridegroom, the Church his bride. Our current sermon series at church is on the Lord’s Prayer. I think “your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven,” ties in beautifully here. We’re not waiting for intimacy to begin later, it’s already breaking in now. Shaw urges us to enjoy intimacy with God by investing time in Him. Connection over distraction. 

The next chapter stood out for me. Intimacy with ourselves, Shaw says, is about gratitude for who God has made us to be. But it’s not just who we are, it’s whose we are. I can delight in being a teacher and the skills God’s given me, but if I changed careers or one day retired, I’d still belong to Him. We are God’s creatures, ruins restored, united with Christ and gifted by His Spirit. And, wonderfully, no one is left out. The world can make you feel excluded or different, but God never does. 

Intimacy with others: we all need close friendships, and Jesus modelled them well both across gender and without fear of gossip or sexualisation. David and Jonathan’s friendship was described as closer than marriage, and Jesus counted Mary among his friends. It’s refreshing and counter-cultural. The barriers? Fear, pride and the ever-convenient excuse of being too busy (an excellent challenge for me, as I’ve been excelling at that lately). But the catalysts are clear: intentionality and vulnerability. The best friendships I’ve had involved both, even if I sometimes fumble them. 

At first, I thought the intimacy with creation chapter would be about noticing beauty in nature - and it is. Beautiful things that pull us into intimacy with the Creator. But Shaw pushes further. Creation isn’t only “out there.” We, the created, also create. God made us to make - whether that’s painting, cooking, teaching, DIY or even creating an Excel spreadsheet. All of it is creative participation in God’s world. The point is, we’re never apart from creation. Even if indoors all day, we’re immersed in it – something I feel encouraged to notice more. 

The book closes with an “intimacy audit,” a practical tool to help readers reflect on their connections with God, themselves, others, and creation, and consider where deficits might be reduced. 

This article was originally published in the Winter 2025 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.