Walking through the valley of the shadow of death

Right from the off I want to be clear that I am not the finished article – and thank God for that! However, over the years God has shown His grace in the most wonderful and powerful ways in my life. I am now in my sixties and have had a lifetime of being same-sex attracted. For over 40 of those years, I have been a follower of Jesus. Inevitably this has led to challenges and battles with temptation. The devil doesn’t give up trying to trip me up, but most importantly neither does God give up on me. 

I became a Christian when I was 17. Although aware of my sexuality, I had never acted this out. In fact, I kept it well hidden. In those days being homosexual was generally unacceptable to society and probably more so in Christian circles. When I left school, I moved away from home to work in the care industry. This gave me the opportunity to explore my sexuality, which eventually led me into a consenting sexual relationship with a man 40 years my senior. Over the next few years whilst maintaining this relationship, I also had a few brief encounters with other men. I would be lying if I said I did not find these fulfilling in some way. There was a deep void within me, a sense of insecurity and a desire to be loved. The ongoing relationship certainly seemed to meet some of this need. But I was also in much inner conflict and turmoil. 

Something within me told me that my sexual behaviour was wrong and I started to believe that I was not acceptable to God whilst I was in this relationship. The battles within became so intense that at one point I took an overdose – more in desperation than anything else. It really did feel as if I was ‘walking through the valley of the shadow of death’. I stopped any kind of Christian fellowship and began drinking alcohol quite heavily. The devil certainly had his claws in me – but through His amazing grace God still had His hand on me. He worked in my life and brought me back to faith and following Jesus. Yet it hasn’t been plain sailing. 

I have been blessed with a wife, children and now grandchildren and I am immensely grateful to God for them. To me this is a miracle. However, the battle with same-sex attraction has persisted. The devil is cunning and tries to trip me up through fantasy, flashbacks to my past and, since the arrival of the internet, on-line pornography.  How can I resist temptation and stay true to the life God has called me to? For many years I tried to do this in my own strength whilst also seeking a change in my sexuality. If only I could be ‘normal’ then everything would be ok! This approach was doomed to failure!

I have come to realise that God calls us to holiness not heterosexuality and I can still honour God despite ongoing same-sex temptations.  Instead of relying on myself, I have realised that to battle temptation with any level of success we must rely on God. In order to really rely on God, we must know that He loves us and is dependable. Know that ‘we need fear no evil, for You (God) are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me’. For shepherds in David’s day, the rod and staff would be used to rescue, protect and guide the sheep. Symbols of the Good Shepherd’s care over His flock, over you and me. Oh, how many times has Jesus rescued me from the pit of miry clay and set me on my feet again! (Psalm 40:1-3). Yet not only does he rescue us when we fall, He is actually with us through the temptation. He doesn’t leave us even if we capitulate. 

So instead of focusing on our sin, on the temptations that assail us, focus on God. On His grace, mercy and power. Don’t neglect to spend time absorbing His word and fellowshipping with others who long to follow Jesus (TFT Barnabas groups are great for this!) Of course, take practical steps to resist temptation, such as accountability on your devices, not putting yourself in certain situations. Importantly, remind yourself that when we fall and fail, as we cling to Him His right hand upholds us (Psalm 63:8).
So, I would urge you don’t give up. Keep battling the temptations – but not in your own strength. Acknowledge your weakness and inability to triumph and rely on God – 2 Corinthians 12:7-10.

This article was originally published in the Spring 2026 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.