Book review: "Transforming Friendship" by John Wyatt

As someone who neglects reading books, I am so glad that I have read this one. I believe it will be a game-changer in my friendships.

John Wyatt starts with a brief history of friendship and shows us what has happened to it in our generation. We look at the examples of friendship in the Bible and how friendship is lauded in the Book of Proverbs. Clearly, it is an issue that is important to God; amazingly, he invites us to be friends with Him!

  
Jesus models friendship for us by sharing life intimately with His disciples for three years, subverting the normal rabbi/disciple relationship. Paul copies Jesus in this by identifying and nurturing potential leaders to carry the gospel into the next generation. Wyatt uses his own experience of being befriended by John Stott to show how Stott mirrored Paul’s example in the 20th century. After asking others how they would describe the nature of this friendship, Wyatt came up with the term “Gospel-crafted friendships.” Though they were mutually beneficial and enjoyable, they were crafted and shaped by the transformative power of the Gospel, the Gospel transforming us into what God intended us to be.

  
These friendships should be characterised by truth, no deception or lies, purpose, seeking the good of the other and sharing, as well as being prepared to be vulnerable and showing humility i.e. not lording it over the other.

In view of the importance of such Gospel friendships, it is remarkable that not more has been written about it in Christian books. The term ‘friend’ has been de-valued and close intimate friendships outside marriage and the family are viewed with suspicion in our present sexualised society. Wyatt places much of the blame for this on Marx, Freud and Nietzsche - the three ‘masters of suspicion’. The world is unwilling now to accept that relationships are what they appear to be. There must be a sexual or power motive in them.

Since such friendships, particularly intergenerational ones, are so strategic for the Gospel message, it is not surprising that Satan seeks to prevent them. Thus, there have been recent well publicised cases of Christian intergenerational relationships that had damaging abusive elements. Wyatt says that instead of retreating, our aim must be to reimagine how these precious and transformative friendships can flourish. What the above cases had in common is the lack of peer accountability. The ‘Rules of the Road’ of the intimate friendships being proposed (as opposed to mentoring and discipling relationships) are that they should be non-sexual, non-abusive (non-coercive and non-manipulative) and non-exclusive. We should make each other aware of this.

In order to emphasise the importance of such friendships, Wyatt heads a chapter “Simeon, Newton and Wilberforce - the lasting impact of friendship among evangelicals.” These men had a heart for encouraging others in a humble self-sacrificing way. Newton founded an informal group of evangelical friends, which included Charles Simeon, with an eye to the creative potential of these friendships for the Kingdom. When the young MP Wilberforce visited his boyhood hero John Newton, in a similar secret way as Nicodemus to Jesus, Newton told him he had been praying for him daily for the last sixteen years, since meeting him as a child in his congregation. The friendship that followed resulted in Wilberforce not giving up politics for church ministry, but using his political position for the good of Christ’s church and the nation. With Newton’s encouragement, Wilberforce developed a network of friends and political sympathisers. One of their number called this a ‘chummery’, with Holy Trinity, Clapham as their spiritual centre. Friendship was of the utmost importance, as they followed the example of the early Jerusalem Church who ‘…had all things in common.’ (Acts 2:44)

In the light of this I ask myself how this book will impact my own friendships, many of which are with people younger than myself. It is said that every Christian needs a Timothy, a Barnabas (encourager) and a Paul. So, I should be praying more regularly for my friends, encouraging them in their Christian walk, putting aside time for them, arranging a meal together or going for a walk and being prepared to share my own vulnerability and weaknesses.

This article was originally published in the Autumn 2024 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.