Practical tips for an accountability arrangement

If you are planning to set up an accountability arrangement with another person, the principles in this short article are intended to help you set it up so that it is clear, effective and helpful from the start. The two roles referred to in this article are “supporter” (the person offering support) and “recipient” (the person being supported). The focus of this article is establishing an accountability arrangement that is focused on interpersonal interaction, instead of one focused on an online monitoring product (such as Covenant Eyes).

If you are the supporter, then a good start is to first think through what you are willing to offer before discussing his/her needs with the recipient.

Longevity – duration of the arrangement

An accountability arrangement might be a long-term “maintenance” arrangement, as a way of helping the other person to continue to avoid areas of ongoing temptation. In this case, it’s helpful for both parties to be clear on how long they are willing to be committed to it before either can exit. Also, the intensity of the contact should be sustainable for both: this might be a short weekly contact or a more in-depth monthly conversation, for example.

Alternatively, the accountability arrangement might come more out of a particular crisis. In this case, the person may need daily contact for a while, in order to establish healthy connection and to move out of established addictive patterns. However, this intensity of contact is unlikely to be sustainable long-term for the accountability supporter, so it’s important that the level of commitment is discussed at the outset. Such timescales need to be realistic, so that the recipient is not being set up to fail.

Either way, it’s healthy to agree a first review after a month or so, to check whether the arrangement is working for both parties. After this, periodic reviews are healthy, even if things seem to be progressing well, as a way of reminding both parties of the purpose and structure of the agreement.
If the accountability arrangement is not having a measurable impact on unhealthy behaviours, then the review point is a good opportunity to discuss alternatives, such as counselling or seeking advice from others on how to improve the accountability setup.

Frequency – how often to talk

If one person is acting addictively, then disciplined daily contact is likely to be more effective than weekly. The Apostle Paul encourages us to keep short accounts when our hearts are awry – “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26). The frequency of contact should probably reduce as the behaviour becomes more under control: while ongoing accountability is healthy, it is also good to nurture a growing level of self-control (Gal 5:22-24).

One configuration could be to commit to daily contact for a month, after which there could be a review with an intention to reduce the intensity of support. This not only helps the accountability supporter to balance their support with other commitments, but it also motivates the recipient to make progress in the agreed timescale.
Channel – how to stay in touch

There are plenty of options for how to keep in contact. Generally, the quicker and more convenient ways are more practical for frequent contact, but they are also the channels that provide least personal connection and give most opportunity for avoiding honesty. The range of means for connecting (in descending order of depth) probably looks something like this:

• In-person meeting
• Video call
• Phone call
• Email
• Instant message or text message
• Accountability app report

It may be helpful to agree a blend of these options, in order to balance regularity of contact with depth of contact. For example, a daily WhatsApp exchange each evening could look something like this:

1.      

“Hi Gerald. What two words would you use to describe your day so far?”
“Hi Bill. My two words are: stressful and triggering”

2.      

“Hi Gerald. Thanks for being honest. I pray that you’d know God’s peace this evening. As agreed, can I ask whether you logged on to Grindr today?”
“Because of the stress, I was too busy to even do that today!”

3.      

“Well, I’m thankful that your stress distracted you from acting out!😆  Father, I pray for Gerald as he unwinds this evening. May you take away the stress from him and help him to know your presence tonight. Bless you brother.”
“Thanks Bill. I appreciate your support. I’m looking forward to our chat at the weekend.”

This level of contact is supportive to Gerald without it being too onerous on Bill each evening. Injecting a bit of humour and levity can also ease the pressure (and avoid the recipient feeling shamed or judged), as long as it doesn’t detract from the main purpose of the interaction. In the example above, both Bill and Gerald know that more in-depth conversation and support will have to wait until their Saturday morning weekly phone call. 
An occasional meet-up in person, perhaps for a drink/food/walk etc, can be a way of cementing the trust between the two people, so that the more regular contact doesn’t become too clinical.

Balance – mutual or one-sided?

Often an accountability arrangement will be one-way: the accountability supporter supporting the recipient. In this case, one possible pitfall to avoid is the supporter being seen as superior or judgemental. Alternatively, a mutual arrangement can be effective: this is where each person acts as supporter to the other person. This has the advantage that both people are opening up their lives to scrutiny, so there is less risk of one person feeling shamed or inferior (although comparison can be a ‘killer’ if one person is making better ‘progress’ than the other). One additional risk for this configuration is that the accountability calls can descend into either a mutual ‘pity party’ or just a chat between friends. 

Focus – what to talk about

It’s often helpful to agree in advance what the regular accountability questions are going to be. This then ensures that the level of scrutiny has the recipient’s permission and that the accountability focuses on the agreed area(s) of their life. 

It’s more effective to frame the questions carefully, to avoid giving “wiggle room”. If you ask a vague question, such as “How is your internet use going?”, you are likely to get a vague answer along the lines of, “Not too bad...” or “Fine – just a few wobbles”. Whereas, if you ask, “Have you looked at any images of sexual activity in the last 7 days?”, then it’s harder to avoid giving a direct answer. However, be careful that the question(s) are wide enough to cover the main areas of temptation. Otherwise, the person might truthfully respond “no” in the previous example, while thinking privately, “…but I did read that erotic story online, which then triggered a whole series of sexual fantasies...”

Whilst candour is welcome, the recipient should be careful not to share so much graphic detail about their behaviours that this is unhelpful to the other person, either by triggering the supporter’s own vulnerabilities or by ‘educating’ them into entirely new ways of acting out!

Putting it into practice

Once the areas outlined above have been agreed, it can be helpful for both the recipient and the supporter to express the arrangement briefly, but clearly, in words. Below is an example ‘agreement’ for a recipient. A similar agreement should be drafted for the supporter (Person B), so that they are equally committed to the arrangement. You can then both come back to this agreement each time you review the accountability arrangement. More in-depth training for accountability supporters is available on the following Christian website: everaccountable.com/accountability

It covers useful matters, such as “What is a trigger?”, “The long-term change process” and what to do if the recipient sounds like they are justifying their use of pornography.  If you need help setting up an accountability arrangement, feel free to contact a member of the TFT staff team for support and advice. If you are supporting someone through an accountability arrangement, be encouraged that your care for them reflects genuinely biblical friendship: “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24)

This article was originally published in the Summer 2025 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.