Friendship and faithfulness

Friendship is a precious relationship. Over the years I have been very grateful for many friends with whom I have shared the up and downs of our lives. I am particularly thankful for those friends with whom I have grown close enough to be able to share my life-journey with same-sex attraction. When I was an undergraduate, the first fellow student I shared that with became a lifelong friend, though we now live hundreds of miles apart.

  
Sometimes, however, Christian friendships themselves move apart when friends share that they have come to believe that gay marriage is endorsed – or at least not prohibited - by scripture, or that committed same-sex relationships without marriage are not morally wrong either. 
This can prove deeply distressing, especially if the friend concerned is totally unaware of your own story. Some years ago, the first time a friend I worked closely with told me of his change of mind. I replied without thinking, “Does that mean that you think the sacrifices I have made over the years in denying expressing my attraction to other men were all pointless?” I am not sure now that was a wise response. It was in effect an emotional ambush and with hindsight, indicates that my focus was on myself, rather than his spiritual well-being at the time. 

Why friends change their mind

Since that initial rather confrontative encounter on my part, at least four other friends, two women among them, now also believe that gay marriage is acceptable. I see these days, however, that my personal experience should be secondary to concerns about their own spiritual welfare. Listening to their own stories of how they changed their view, has become much more important in relating to them and praying for them. There are several common threads in these friends’ journeys.

1) Personal experience of gay marriages in their families.

Armchair abstraction is one thing; endorsing gay partners of close family members or receiving an invitation to a gay wedding is quite another. Each of my friends found having to come to terms with such situations had been a significant factor in changing their minds. We should not underestimate the power of such experiences to sway our Christian convictions. Examining the basis of our beliefs in such circumstances is always a good thing. Sometimes we do believe things are ‘biblical’ when the biblical basis is in fact either ambivalent or absent. However, if we are convinced that the teaching of scripture as a whole is clear that sex between those of the same sex is morally wrong, then no matter what the personal cost to us, we cannot change our stance just to appease our loved ones.  

2) Influence of prominent Christians changing their view

A significant number of prominent speakers on the Christian circuit in the 1970s and 80s have publicly changed their stance on gay marriage. Three of them had a profound positive influence on my early Christian life.  Coming to terms with their revised view has been painful. However, Paul wrote, “Be followers of me, even as I also am of Christ.” (I Cor 11:1). If anyone, no matter how prominent, speaks or acts persistently in any way contrary to the clear teaching of scripture, rather than follow them we are to “…consider them accursed.” (Gal 1:8) – harsh though this may seem. But does the acceptance of gay marriage and ‘committed’ sexual partnerships (however understood) really constitute a different gospel?

3) Framing gay marriage as biblical

Those who take the view that scripture does not prohibit gay relationships almost always frame the issue as a secondary matter, much like the role of women in church leadership, over which Christians might legitimately differ. Another common justification is to utilise the concept of progressive revelation in scripture. This is the doctrine that later parts of scripture contain a fuller revelation of God than the earlier sections; as Alec Motyer puts it, “Progressive revelation is a movement from truth to more truth and so to full truth.”  We see this in Acts 10:9-16, for example, where Peter is told in a vision “What God has made clean, do not call common.” The food laws and the distinction between Jew and Gentile in the Old Testament were superseded by the coming of Christ. Those accepting gay marriage would see us as blind as Peter was before his enlightenment with Cornelius’ conversion and “…the Spirit falling on all who heard the word’ (Acts 10:44).

Elsewhere however, the Bible makes it clear that though the food laws and other OT requirements are now to be overturned, their underlying principle of the necessity of living distinctively from unbelievers still remains a Christian obligation (2 Cor 6:14-7:1). Progressive revelation in scripture, when present, also has to be established from scripture itself. I am not convinced by the arguments purporting to justify gay sexual relationships from scripture.

4) Reinterpreting the New Testament

Revisionists argue that just as in the NT, the trajectory towards rejection of slavery was not complete but the seeds of it were present, so the acceptance of ‘loving, committed’ gay couplings is acceptable because the scriptures condemning homosexual acts can be explained away when understood in their context at the time.  One of my friends, who recently changed to this view, sent me a list of such arguments. But the most striking thing was that Ephesians 5:22-33 - one of the longest passages in the Bible on marriage - was not mentioned at all. 
I pointed out that this passage makes marriage a gospel issue because the joining of husband and wife is pictured there as mirroring the relationship between Christ and His Bride. The meaning of the metaphor is lost entirely in gay marriage. My friend responded by suggesting that if the metaphor of ‘bride’ is to be taken literally, then surely it suggests that polygamy is acceptable, as the Bride is made up of many people. Having conceded that gay marriage is acceptable, everything in scripture can obviously be reinterpreted to fit the chosen paradigm - but is this really the natural reading of the significance of that Ephesians text? 

Coping when friends change  

Dealing with the personal pain when someone who has been a Christian friend for a long time departs from a formerly shared biblical understanding is difficult. Here are some of the elements that will need to be negotiated:

1) Acknowledge a significant change has taken place

There may be, especially with very close friends, a tendency to gloss over the importance of the difference between you. This should be resisted. Even though they may not go public on the issue to try to persuade others of their view, your awareness of it cannot be undone.

2) Recognise their change of view may destabilise you

For anyone struggling with their own sexual desires, a friend’s acceptance of gay marriage may seem like a personal betrayal even though no personal hurt may be intended. Their change of heart can be really discouraging, however, and when friends tell me that have joined ‘affirming’ churches, this often inclines me to let down my guard especially in relation to pornography. The moment we feed the thought that indulging our passions ‘may not be so bad after all’ since some Christian friend now says it’s OK, we are more likely put those desires into action.

3) Make a considered response

Sometimes it may be necessary to distance ourselves completely, both to indicate to our friend how serious we consider their change of heart to be, but also to protect us from the destabilising effects their views may have on us. The wounds of a true friend are faithful (Prov 27:6) and we need to lovingly dissent. We should pray that such friends will recognise that we have their spiritual welfare at heart and that the wounds we inflict on them by withdrawing somewhat are faithful and aimed at their good. We should continue to pray for them even if we do not see them as often as before.I have usually tried though to maintain some contact, especially with those who have not publicly promoted their revisionist stance. Even so, former friends may themselves decide to write us off and the decision is not then ours to take.  I am still in contact with some friends now taking a revisionist position., though the frequency of visits has diminished.

4) Continue to value what was and remains good 

Only God knows their hearts – just as he knows our own and Jesus’ teaching about taking the beam out of our own eye before condemning others (Matt 7:5) should keep us from resentment and judgementalism. Understanding that when friendships have been longstanding, the friend will also be feeling some degree of rejection, also helps us to respond in positively when they may request our help. We should recognise that the previous blessings of the friendship are not devalued, let alone to be denied.  I find it rather shortsighted that Christian publishers have sometimes immediately withdrawn helpful and upbuilding books and sermons which are completely biblical in content, when Christian authors have subsequently changed their view on gay marriage. The value of their previous ministry or the positive legacy they have left are is surely not eliminated by subsequent error?

5) Pray for them

Another important area is our responsibility to pray for them that they might see once more the clarity of scripture on this issue and the relevance of Jesus’ affirmation of heterosexual marriage to it (Matt 19:5-6). My own lack of prayerfulness in regard to this has made this piece particularly difficult to write.

Jesus, the Friend who sticks closer than a brother

The Lord Jesus himself knew the pain of betrayal by a friend (Matt 26:23), an event prophetically foretold in Psalm 41:9 – “Even my close friend, someone I trusted, one who shared my bread, has turned against me.” He is the one and the only one who is “Faithful and True” (Rev 19:11). He understands what we are going through when friendships fail, and He is the one we must follow as scripture reveals Him. Jesus told His disciples He would no longer call them servants: “Instead I have called you friends, for everything I have learned from my Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15). He is the ultimate fulfilment of one of the best-known verses on friendship in the entire Bible: "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" (Prov 18:24). His friendship must always remain the most important one. 

This article was originally published in the Autumn 2024 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.