Review: The Six Conversations

"The Six Conversations: Pathways to Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility" by Heather Holleman

Every book review is likely to reveal as much about the biases of the reviewer as it is about the book. I don’t think this one will be any different!

For the most part, I found this a surprisingly helpful and thought provoking book. It is not a long read – 190 pages with supporting references. The style is appropriately conversational and engaging. I express surprise because generally I have an allergic reaction to any author who tries to categorise topics in lists. Here we not only have six conversations, but also four mindsets! Part of the author’s aim is to help you identify your own conversational style preferences. I just found it personally confusing, but it may just be me. For others it may be very helpful.

Once I got past my own reaction to the structure of the material, I found it thought-provoking and challenging as a book. The basic premise is that we are living in Western societies that have become lonely places. The consequent isolation and disconnection from one another leads to relational poverty. We don’t have, as a result, as fulfilling a life as we might have. A solution is to improve the way we relate to one another and good conversational practice will enable this. Broadly speaking I agree with this. It is a little simplistic and the book does not really explore the causes which would, for this reader, give greater weight to the argument and the proposed conversational solution. As far as it goes, it is fine.

By this point in the review, I envisage you will be sitting on the edge of your seat wondering what the six conversations are.

Here is the list:

1. Social (we talk about our relational lives)
2. Emotional (we talk about our feelings)
3. Physical (we talk about the practical aspects of life)
4. Cognitive (we talk about what we think)
5. Volitional (we talk about our decisions)
6. Spiritual (we talk about faith)

The author suggests for each category a range of open, inquiring questions we might use to help stimulate conversations. She argues that we have conversational preferences that mean we get into habitual patterns of relating. These do not always serve us well if we are seeking to relate to a diverse range of people. I think this is a very good point and spoke to me as I reflected on my own patterns. The four mindsets that the author suggests underpin good conversational practice are being curious, believing the best of others, expressing concern and sharing your own life. All good stuff!

The content that stirred me most was an exploration towards the end of the book about God and our conversations. This is worth a book in its own right. As I reflected on how Jesus engaged in conversations, the more I felt moved to reflect on how my conversations might be patterned on His approach to people.

I would have liked much more of this. The author, however, is attempting to reach a wide variety of audiences at the same time. Firstly, I suspect she wants her students to read it. She is a university lecturer and does, in my view, irritatingly remind us of this at a number of points. Secondly, she is aiming for readers of faith and those of none. I think she may be seeing this as a form of evangelism and at times she shares something of her own testimony of God’s work in her life. It is a difficult balance. I leave it to you to judge if she succeeds.
Overall, there is much practical good to take away from this book. It is relevant to all ages and circumstances in life. I don’t think, content-wise, it favours one gender over another. Culturally there are differences between the author’s US approach and this reader’s own preferences, but these are not insurmountable. What is missing is any proper consideration of the impact of technology and social media on the nature of conversation. Maybe this will be in a future volume?

A worthwhile read in the end.

This article was originally published in the Spring 2025 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.