Growing through friendship

I have a plaque in my kitchen given by a friend with the quote: “Friendship is like sunshine, it keeps us warm and helps us grow.” Certainly, friendship has been described as many things, from a garden of flowers, to chocolates, to a ship believe it or not! (“There are big ships and small ships but the best ship of them all is friendship” - Anon.)

Living in multiple countries meant moving to different schools. I know what being the new kid in class is like. There were periods of my life where I didn’t feel like I belonged, and retreated into a world of imagination where books were my closest friend. However, even when it did not feel that way for a season, looking back, I can see that I have been blessed greatly with friends in all stages of my life. This is in part due to my personality where I enjoy spending time with people and easily find connections with those around me, and in part due to the grace of God and the church family I have in Christ.

I have been reflecting lately on my friendships, taking stock of how many are deep ones or surface level. Some people’s lives can be seen to have many social interactions (lots of followers and likes on social media), but have little or no depth when the going gets tough. Not all our friendships need to be frequent and deep – there is a place for occasional friends, casual catch ups, once-a-year coffee and acquaintances (and those sparse interactions can be deep). However, there is a place for consistent close and deep friendships too. Most of us should have one, two or three friends who really know us well – often better than ourselves. The inner circle to sharpen us (Proverbs 27:17), to deliver blows and wounds with firm gentleness and be there to clean us up (Proverbs 27:5-6), to love and hold us accountable even at great cost to themselves (1 Samuel 20) and to walk with us through thick and thin (Proverbs 18:24). Even Jesus did not do it all alone. He needed an inner circle of friends to share the most vital experiences and battles He went through and to uplift him in prayer.

Breadth of friendships

Casting out to a wider network of friends, I find myself with friends from all ages, diversity and backgrounds. I am fortunate to have friends aged from under 8 to over 80! And they are such a blessing to me in so many ways. I am a mentor and friend to some. I’m also mentored and cared by others, where I benefit from differences in perspective, years of wisdom and maturity. Indeed, as Solomon so aptly puts it: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17) And “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12)

As I sit here writing, I am just recovering from a bout of COVID. Even before confirming it was COVID, I have a lovely friend who has called me daily to check up on me and make sure I’m not working when I should be resting (which I really needed, as I have a tendency to always be on the move). Within moments of friends knowing that I was taken ill, I had one friend declare that she was bringing me food the next day and another friend who called and said: “I know you will probably feel down and alone at home, but know that you are not alone and that we are all here around you; we care for you. Just call us if you need anything and I will come around with some groceries for you later today.” I may be physically down, but I am emotionally and spiritually refreshed by the love I have received over the past few days. ‘Tis the blessing of friends!
 

Depth of friendships

As I reflect on my deep, consistent friendships, I have in mind three friends in my life that have impacted me in the development of my character and walk with God. Firstly, the one who knows me the most is my sister. She has lived with me for decades, seen all my flaws and faults, and yet bears it all with love and gentleness. She is often my accountability and voice of reason. 
The second friend is from my childhood. She conversely has never lived with me and we have rarely been in the same location together. We have had a long-distance friendship from before we had email addresses! Our lines of communication have adapted from letter writing to emails to instant messaging chats (and we still send postcards on our travels). Our personalities are different, but our love for Jesus is shared; we seek to honour Him in all we do and to hold each other accountable in that.

  
My third close friend is one who has come into my life in the past couple of years. We  naturally “clicked”, although we are each other’s opposites and are in total contrast. I value her perception in situations and she provides me with a view that I would not naturally think of. God has used her to soften my rough edges and mellow me out (a little) and she has likewise said that God has used me to teach her life lessons as well.

  
All my closest friends are Christians, with an active walk with the Lord. You may question if yours need to be as well. What I will say is that your close friends will ultimately influence you the most and impact on your heart and walk with Jesus. I have found that there is an element with my non-Christian friends where we cannot connect, because in spirit we are not on the same plane. That, for me, is a barrier to real in-depth spiritual conversations and I don’t receive the encouragement to grow closer to Jesus from them.

Reflecting and building friendships

If you are reading this and reflecting on your friendships thinking, “I don’t think I have a single close friendship or someone I can really confide in”, don’t despair! Jesus sees you and knows exactly how you are feeling. Speak to Him, cultivate that deep friendship with Him, and ask Him to bring along people in your life who may be able to fill those close friendship needs in a healthy way. He has often done that for me and brought friends into my life who I wasn’t looking for or expecting; He has used the friendship to teach both of us how better to love and serve one another and those around us.

I am, by far, not the perfect friend. On the contrary, I am often the more imperfect friend in the friendship. My actions and my words can end up hurting others unintentionally. But what I have experienced is that, where both friends are committed to the friendship, we can work out most things with a big dollop of forgiveness, as Proverbs 17:9 puts it: “Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” It takes restraint and self-control to lay down your rights for the other (even when you are so sure that you are right). In doing so, rather than being a pushover, you are actually reflecting Jesus in that servant-hearted attitude, which paradoxically works to grow the fruit of the Spirit in us. I am speaking here about good Christian friendships – if you have been pulled into an unhealthy, emotionally dependent or abusive relationship, this is a different situation, where it would be helpful for you to seek external counsel.

Particularly for those with same-sex attractions, it can be scary to enter a deep friendship, as we can be afraid that these friendships may end up leading to us being emotionally dependent and feelings of desire can develop. Satan certainly uses this to either tempt us into lustful thoughts or for us to withdraw from any meaningful friendship for fear of being hurt. For those who have experienced this cycle of unhealthy dependency, the best thing is being aware of the potential issue, and to submit this under the lordship of Jesus Christ. Let Him carry your burdens. Having a couple of friends in a friendship group may be a better way to start out, holding accountability for each other. True friends will bear each other’s burdens, even when one doesn’t feel like they can continue on the journey.

The ultimate friendship of all is the friendship of Jesus Christ. He has been the most constant friend to me and with Him I find peace, security and a confidant who knows me better than myself. I pray that as you reflect on your friendships, you will think of ways to strengthen your friendship with Jesus. Jesus truly knows what friendship is – He laid down His life for you so that you could be friends with Him forever (John 15:13). May you find in Christ your truest friend of all in this journey of life.

This article was originally published in the Autumn 2024 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.