It is not surprising for man to be alone

“Suffering is not a question that calls for an answer. It is not a problem that calls for a solution. It is a mystery that calls for a presence.”

I first came across this anonymous quote in a Christian book on medical ethics. The author encourages an incarnational approach that seeks to draw alongside, to suffer with, the other in addressing real world questions of human suffering. One thing that compounds any pain is the feeling that one is alone, abandoned, that there is no one else who understands. This sense of isolation and being unseen, cut off, is the very essence of what it means to feel lonely. However, one of things that has helped me personally to get up off the floor of my deepest moments of loneliness is the reminder that I am not the only person who has felt alone.

In the opening narrative of Genesis, God consistently affirms the goodness of His creation. The celestial bodies, plants, animals, everything is good. The first thing that is not good is that “man is alone” (Gen 2:18). Theologians have spilled much ink dissecting the exact meaning of these words which precede the creation of Eve and the Fall. Because of the rest of the Bible and particularly the New Testament, I do not believe that this verse is intended to stipulate marriage for every person. However, at the very least, I think this text tells us that God has created us to be connected to one another in addition to our relationship with Him. This makes sense, since the Bible also tells that we are made in God’s image, and that His nature is intrinsically relational. He is three in one. Thus, it makes sense that being disconnected from one another leads to such pain, especially in light of the Fall and the effects of sin on all aspects of our lives.

Every single person who has ever lived is vulnerable to loneliness. Once I understood this, I realised that my experience of same-sex attraction and singleness was not the core reason I have at times felt lonely. I used to fixate on how I wasn’t in a romantic relationship and felt like I could not enter one. It seemed like I was on the outside looking in. But lots of people feel lonely, unable to fully ‘join in with everyone else’ for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with sexuality or marital status (e.g. educational or class background, physical or mental health problems, nationality etc.) Furthermore, many people also feel lonely who are married, have successful careers, have large families, have prominent positions in church or seem so at ease speaking to new people.

My intention here is not be fatalistic in suggesting that loneliness can never be avoided! Rather I want to encourage us that, although loneliness is universal, it is not usually inevitable in our specific situations. I believe it is often possible to change our experience of loneliness even if our circumstances do not change.

Not inevitable for man to be alone

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:37-40

God’s greatest instruction for each of us is not primarily about work, not about sin, not about thanksgiving, not about worship, not about holiness. It is how we conduct our relationships, firstly with Him and then with others. I regularly try to remind myself of this truth and examine my prayer life to see if my primary preoccupations are the same as God’s! This commandment has obvious relevance to loneliness, since being connected in intimate relationships is the opposite of loneliness.

I used to think the ‘Greatest Commandment’ was odd, as I didn’t understand how love could be ordered. Surely love was feeling we had to find or ‘fall into’, something that happens to us? It certainly couldn’t be forced, otherwise it would be fake and not genuine. And surely the truest love was that of marriage and, if I was single, I was thereafter excluded from giving and receiving ‘real’ love?

The English word love has a broad meaning that stretches from how we feel about our spouses or children to our favourite colour and the weather. However, the Greek language is more specific and the root word agape used in the verse above has a narrower meaning. Two essential aspects of agape are that it is wilful and it is other-centred. The kind of love that Jesus calls us to compels us to act to serve the good of the other, even at a cost to ourselves.

This kind of love is very different to waiting for affectionate feelings to arise. For me, this presents both a comfort and a challenge. The comfort is that everyone, regardless of the various life circumstances we previously mentioned, is included. The only qualifications required for a life full of love is God, other people and a willing heart. Loneliness is not inevitable!

The challenge, of course, is having a heart that is willing and able to love selflessly. But even in the honest appraisal of our selfish hearts, there is a consolation. God has promised the Holy Spirit to empower us to walk in His commandments. God calls us to overflow with the agape that He first abundantly pours into our hearts. In fact, I think that Jesus deliberately sets the bar so high with His commandments (saying that anger is like murder, lustful glances like adultery etc) so that, if we take Him seriously, there is no way we can have any illusions about being able to fulfil them in our own strength.

Older English translations which say “Thou shall love the Lord… thou shall love your neighbour…” are in some ways closer to the future indicative verb agapeseis used in the Greek. Besides an imperative command, Jesus’ words are a promise of what will happen (super)naturally when we become born again and walk in the Spirit.

For me practically, this understanding has helped to change my mindset when I have felt lonely. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, which is my natural instinct, I have asked the Father to help me look and love outwards. Rather than focussing on my lack of friends, I have been asking God to help me become a good friend to those around me, to open my eyes to new neighbours and to love those I already know more deeply.

What about the neighbours who do not seem lovable? Christ does not omit the commandment in these circumstances. And besides, C S Lewis (in his book “Mere Christianity”) lets us into to another blessing hidden in what on the surface seems like a burden:
“Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbour; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.”

Not hopeless for man to be alone

I have been trying to show how a lot of my previous experiences of loneliness was exacerbated by incorrect views of myself, God and others. However, it cannot be denied that sometimes circumstances outside of our control (e.g. illness, work situations, being geographically isolated, bereavement etc) drive us into intense and extended seasons of loneliness. The Bible is not silent on this subject. The Psalms in particular do not shy away from expressing the moments when it feels like we are alienated not only from other people, but from God also.

“How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?” (Psalm 13:1-2a)

Sometimes loneliness and other suffering can come as result of our own sin and rebellion. But the Bible also depicts deep loneliness experienced by people who are trying to follow the Lord and are exactly where He wants them to be (e.g. Elijah both before and after Mount Carmel in 1 Kings 18-19). Why God allows these moments, or any suffering for that matter, remains a mystery this side of eternity. However, we can be assured that, if we are in Christ, although it may feel like God has hidden His face, He will never actually abandon or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6, Hebrews 13:5)

In my experience, and also according to the experience of others, it is often in the moments of loneliness and suffering that we discover the Lord, His sufficiency, the reality of His love, His grace and presence in new ways. One friend told me about a season of intense loneliness and suffering when he lived alone for several months in a caravan after his wife left with their children. He said that he sometimes looks back at that time with nostalgia, because of the intensity of the intimacy with Christ that he experienced when everything else had fallen away.
This is a shocking paradox, but so is much about the God we serve. In His hands, suffering can turn into glory, shame into honour, death into life. Even loneliness, which seems absolutely hopeless, is not beyond His capacity to redeem.

“His cross is the sweetest burden that ever I bare; it is such a burden as wings are to a bird, or sails are to a ship, to carry me forward to my harbour.”  Samuel Rutherford

This article was originally published in the Winter 2024 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.