Learning to trust God

As an only child, I grew up in a small village called Livingston, just outside Edinburgh, with my mum and dad. It wasn’t a Christian home or with any Christian family members. Religion or God was never spoken about unless in the form of blasphemy. Family life was very complicated growing up. My dad was an alcoholic, so he wasn't really around much. I remember the many times he would come home drunk and start shouting abuse, setting fire alarms off early in the morning, windows being smashed and the police coming regularly to our door. Safe to say,  I missed out on that fatherly love and relationship.

My wider family was just as messy. My aunts would bully me and call me names, I was regularly excluded and forced to sit out of family situations and also sexually exploited by my uncle. On reflection, I've always felt a sense of not belonging and abandonment from a young age. 

Identity struggle

I had some good friends and occasionally went to Sunday school. My mum always thought I was going for the free sweets, but actually I liked to listen to the Bible stories and having something to do. However, that's all they were - stories. I never understood the gospel or got to know Jesus and, as life got busier and I got older, I stopped going. Throughout high school, I was badly bullied and, subsequently, at the age of 15, my parents suddenly separated and divorced. Not having a platform to talk about this, I harboured my feelings, failed my exams, dropped out of school at 16 and went to dance college. 

This is where I started to struggle with my identity. I was continually body shamed by my dance teacher and forced to dye my hair certain colours and wear certain clothes to fit specific moulds. I was given a toothbrush and told to make myself sick in order to help me lose weight. It was during this time my dance teacher repeatedly told me I was a lesbian, I was too butch to be straight and that's why I had never had a boyfriend. All of this led me to question my sexuality and identity. Who was I? Was I gay? Where did I fit in? I didn't know how to navigate everything and just felt even more disorientated. 

At the age of 20, a virgin and still a confused and vulnerable young girl, I was drugged and  forced to engage in sexual intercourse. This trauma, alongside previous childhood events, had a huge impact on my ability to create relationships, especially with men. I couldn't trust anyone and so I built many protective walls and kept others at arm’s length. 

Same-sex marriage

I needed to escape. In 2012, I ran down to London to study children's nursing. Whilst I was there I met a girl. What started out as a close friendship very quickly developed into a same- sex relationship and I began to officially identify with the LGBTQ+ community. I'd slept with both male and females before, but this was my first proper relationship and she was the first person to show me this deeper sense of love that I was so clearly craving. I felt like I belonged with her. She saw me and heard me. We were happy. 5 years later, I proposed, and in 2017 we got married. 

However, throughout the last 2 years of our relationship, I'd began to have doubts. Although I absolutely loved being with her, and everything about her made me smile and laugh, I didn't want to engage in any intimacy or have sex. There was a disconnection. This deeper friendship or soul mate relationship was enough for me, but it wasn't for her. She wanted more. I knew something was wrong, that this wasn't how a marriage was supposed to look like. The more I hid how I was feeling, the stronger these doubts and feelings got. 

I needed something to replace these doubts, something to make them stop. So, we started our IVF journey with me as the carrier. Although I always wanted children of my own, I thought this would be a positive step to distract me from the doubts and give us something else to focus on. We picked our donor sperm and spent thousands of pounds in the process of trying to conceive. We had 2 failed attempts and on the 3rd attempt I had a miscarriage. This experience - the injecting of various hormones, the invasive procedures and examinations, the hope, the loss and grief - made me eventually snap. I found myself spiralling into a very dark and lonely place. I began to suffer from panic attacks and poor mental health. I started to self-harm and became suicidal. 

I was at rock bottom. Overwhelmed with guilt and desperate for help, I needed saving, but I didn't know how. Although I didn't know anything about Him other than His existence, it was my last and final attempt at any form of hope. My thoughts turned to God. 

Becoming a Christian

I had a friend at work who I knew was a Christian and we started talking about God and I ended up going to her church. As I went along each week, things started to make sense. I began to understand what it meant to be a Christian and I began to feel this deeper sense of peace whenever I was there. 

The night that things really clicked was after a specific sermon on God’s forgiveness. After listening, I said to my friend "I don't feel worthy enough to be forgiven, I don't understand how or why God could ever forgive or love me.” She turned around and explained that what I was describing was the concept of grace, how this grace demonstrated God’s love for us and why we needed Jesus to receive it. At that moment, I understood the gospel. That night I repented and asked God for forgiveness of my sins. 

Becoming a Christian, and coming to know Jesus, gave me the strength and courage to do the right thing. God spoke to me and battled with me through 2 specific verses: 

“Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it." Luke 9:23 -24 NLT

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV

Decision making for Christ

Five weeks later I ended my marriage. I was left with nothing. Literally homeless, I lost my home, money, belongings, our friends, a family, a future, my identity, my reputation and my best friend. But when I thought my life was ending, it was only just beginning. 

Since coming to faith, God has opened my eyes and has brought me new life, a life full of hope and freedom, and a whole new family. He's taught me that I'm not perfect now nor will I ever be, yet His love will always remain. Regardless of my past or future sins, through His son Jesus Christ and through His glorious grace, I am forgiven and loved. With my being rooted deeply in Him, He will never abandon me. 
I received biblical counselling very early on in my faith and it was here that I came to know about Living Out. It was during lockdown I attended an online event with them and it was through this event that I came to know about TFT. Feeling isolated at my church and still not really knowing anybody, I joined TFT and instantly felt understood and safe to share my vulnerability and struggles. Since then I have attended women’s events and conferences and through God’s provision and the work of the Holy Spirit, these ladies have walked alongside me through many battles.

My Christian walk has not been easy and I've been faced with many moral dilemmas that have tested my faith. Having frozen embryos in storage, I had to make the decision of using them or disposing of them. As they are embryos and considered life, based on my own morals and from a biblical perspective, I did not feel it ethically right to kill those embryos. I felt that this was not a decision I could make based on my own understanding. This was something I needed to leave in God’s hands and sovereignty. 

Having spoken with biblical counsellors and friends, I decided to give the first embryo a try at life. If God wanted this child and that was His plan, I would be at peace with that, and if God decided that was not the plan, then I could at least say that this was God’s plan for them. In doing this, the Lord has blessed me with a beautiful little boy. I still have many more ethical decisions to make, having 2 more embryos still in storage. I need to continue trusting in Gods character and timing and plan for my life as well as theirs.

Trusting God

Although the best decision I have ever made, I think it important to say that becoming a Christian has not provided some magical cure to my troubles of today. I continue to struggle with SSA, poor mental health, anxiety and panic attacks and, currently, with an eating disorder. Letting go of control and wholly submitting to Him is hard and my previous trauma has played a huge part in me learning fully to trust in Him. This is also a process and one that I am absolutely committed to and continuing to grow in. I know that God is with me through this. There have been times when I've really tried to walk away from this Christian life, but no matter how hard I’ve tried to run, the Holy Spirit keeps bringing me back: 

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” 
Psalm 139:7 - 10 NIV

I have nowhere else to run. He has me tightly in His grip and continues to teach me dependency. If God is for us, who can be against us?! Jesus is my only hope. My only rock and certainty. He saved my life and in Him I choose to stay.

This article was originally published in the Summer 2024 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.