Only Jesus meets my deepest needs

What is emotional dependency?

Emotional dependency occurs when your emotional well-being becomes overly dependent on another person. Your emotions fluctuate from extreme highs to extreme lows depending on how they treat you or how you perceive them treating you. Emotional dependency expects more from a person than that person can give. It is not a unique experience for same-sex attracted individuals. Anyone can become emotionally dependent on another person.

An emotionally dependent person may experience some or all of these characteristics:
A. They become easily jealous of the other person spending time with others.
B. They crave “alone time” with the other person and become frustrated when this doesn’t happen.
C. When the other person withdraws, they feel irrationally anxious or depressed.
D. Other friendships fall by the wayside.
E. They either romantically or sexually fantasize about the other person.
F. They obsess about the other person’s style, personality, and problems.
G. They construct all their plans to include the other person.
H. They become blind to the other person’s faults.
I. They are defensive against questions regarding the relationship.
J. They show inappropriate physical contact for a friendship.
K. They feel as though they can “speak for” the other member.

I can easily feel alone and ashamed in my struggle with same-sex attraction. I believe that loneliness and shame can make me more susceptible to this unhealthy state. It is tempting to place too much pressure on one friendship to fulfil the need to be known and accepted as I am.

My story of emotional dependency

My pastor and I became friends in 2022. We grew close remarkably quickly as we shared similar interests in music and sports. He enjoys deep conversations and is a big hugger. Both of which I love to participate in as well. However, around April 2023, I began to love those hugs just a little too much. Instead of keeping my physical distance, I “emotionally leaned” into the hugs. I think another reason I latched onto him so tightly was that I was in denial that I experienced same-sex attraction, so I let my guard down. I also feel an intense sense of loneliness at times, so it was nice to have my need for connection fulfilled in him.
I believed that if I could be close to this friend, it would lessen my same-sex attraction to other guys and the loneliness I felt because my needs for male affirmation and closeness would be met in him. That need however cannot be satisfied by any man. Only God can truly satisfy that need of mine.

I began to get jealous of him spending time with other friends. This jealousy scared me, and I tried anxiously to fix the situation. I began by completely cutting off all one-on-one time with him. I tried to show him no emotional reciprocation to his general friendliness. I even would feel guilty whenever it was just me and him alone.

This was not an effective nor a healthy reaction and it seriously put a strain on our friendship. It led to a lot of confusion from his side as well. He confided in me later that he thought that he had said or done something wrong.

It was during that time that I came across a TFT podcast episode on emotional dependency. My relationship with my pastor checked all the boxes. At least I now had a name for it.
I messaged him and said that the reason I was avoiding him was because of emotional dependency. The term was new to him, so I tried to explain it, but it was still a strange concept for him. I was secretly hoping that I would not need to explain the whole picture of my same-sex attraction to him. Pegging it as emotional dependency was somehow less shameful for me. Having a name for it did not improve the situation though.

I believe that the healing journey started when I met with him face-to-face and explained the whole story. I was honest about my emotions and my experience with same-sex attraction. I don’t believe that it is always necessary or wise to divulge our attractions to the people we are attracted to, but in this case, the lack of honesty was shipwrecking our friendship.
It still took a few months after that for my feelings of dependency to abate. By God’s grace, it has lessened to a degree that it is not a problem anymore. I can only give glory to God for that.

What helped the emotional dependency to abate?

I learned that Jesus must be my source of satisfaction for my deepest needs. We all have deep needs. One of mine is to be known and loved. By placing this core need on someone else, you place great pressure on their shoulders that they cannot bear. Only Jesus can truly fill that gap. This does not mean that you don’t find and enjoy other people’s love. It just means that you don’t expect them to satisfy your deepest need. In my case, it took time for Jesus to change my heart to love Him more than my friend and, at times, it felt like it took forever for change to happen. What I have learned is that God sometimes wants us to sit in the mess we have made to teach us something. As Elizabeth Elliot once said:
He makes us wait. He keeps us on purpose in the dark. He makes us walk when we want to run, sit still when we want to walk, for He has things to do in our souls that we are not interested in.

A very practical step for me was to diversify my friends. In other words, make other friends, even though you may feel as though you will figuratively die without this one friendship. When you only have one friend, you place all your friendship needs on that person’s shoulders. If you have a few deep friendships, that helps to spread the load.

How is our friendship now?

By God’s grace, our friendship is once again healthy. I know that that is not everyone’s experience, so I thank God that it has happened this way for me. I still need to be careful of using him and others to satisfy my deepest need for intimacy.

How can we handle loneliness before it morphs into emotional dependency?

Loneliness seems to be a trigger for me when it comes to becoming emotionally dependent. After a long term of loneliness, having someone who “gets me” can cause me to fall prey to emotional dependency. Here are some ways in which to handle loneliness before it gets out of hand. A licensed therapist gave me some ideas. None of these ideas are “silver bullets”, but they can help give you some ideas.

1) Bring Loneliness to Jesus
Jesus knows what it is like to experience the most extreme form of loneliness – separation from God, so he can understand our loneliness in ways we don’t. You can take your loneliness to him knowing that he cares for you and will never leave you nor forsake you.

2) Connect with Others
A great way to tackle loneliness is to join groups or clubs. These can be anything from exercise groups to online groups. This is a great way to get to know new people who share a common interest or share a similar struggle.

It is also important to be consistent with connecting with your current friends, even if it is for a quick chat. This can help to deepen friendships and ensure that you don’t place too much pressure on a single friendship.

3) Build a Routine
Build a daily routine that includes activities that you enjoy. This structure can help create purpose. It can also ensure that you spend time on activities you enjoy. It may be worth noting that it is important to stay active since exercise has been shown to improve mental health.

4) Practise Mindfulness
Mindfulness or meditation helps you to become comfortable with your thoughts and feelings and happy with your own company. Activities such as journalling can be useful in this regard.

Conclusion

Besides the lessons that God has taught me as described above, the emotional pain caused me to look for support. I contacted TFT and started attending a Barnabas Group. This support group was instrumental in helping me accept my same-sex attraction and move forward more healthily. It has provided meaningful connections with others sharing the same struggle which has been helpful in diminishing the loneliness I sometimes feel and, in so doing, it has helped hamper emotional dependency. 

This article was originally published in the Winter 2024 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.