Transforming loneliness

In the spring of 2020, as a middle-aged single man living alone in London, I was invited by a young family in my church to "bubble” with them for the foreseeable future, while Covid restrictions began to be implemented.

Throughout the various lockdowns, I spent all day every Sunday with them and one evening midweek too. I’d been feeling emotionally low for the previous year, so I don’t think I’m being overly dramatic if I say that it probably saved my life. Four and a half years later, I still continue to spend lots of time with them. I became a member of their family, in a meaningful way, and subsequently have joined them on holidays, have become godparent to the children, and still spend many Sundays with them.
 
A little over a year ago, they came back from a holiday in Australia with a clear sense that God was calling them to help plant a church in Sydney. Visa restrictions have meant that they have to go soon and so they leave at the end of this year. I’ve had some time to come to terms with this news, and to consider the losses and the very significant change it will be to our relationship. I don’t take for granted the love and blessing of this family. They have pushed beyond our western cultural norms of a closed nuclear family, and whilst I’d love to be joined to another family at my church in a similar way I’m not expecting it. In time I hope that others like myself would experience the blessing and honour of inclusion into families, as the Church in the West recovers a richer, truer sense of what it means to represent family. You see, church is not like family, church is family! And God sets the lonely in families (Psalm 68:6). None of us deserved to have relationship with God. And yet, we’re not welcomed into his home as mere servants, but into his family as sons and daughters! Acceptance and inclusion into an earthly family reflects the acceptance and inclusion we have by faith in the heavenly family.

The value of loneliness

I used to think that what I needed was to be healed of homosexual temptations, find a wife, form a family and settle down to a “normal” life. Over time, I came to see that many of my married friends are actually jealous of my singleness, and some of my married friends are lonely in their marriage. I therefore reject the idea that marriage is the answer to a happy life and how to stave off loneliness. I also know many single people who are envious of their married friends. For some of them, their belief is that singleness and loneliness are synonymous. I disagree.
I believe loneliness is an invitation. An invitation to face pain and discover meaning and purpose even there. I believe it is an invitation to consider how we feel about ourselves, about our relationships with others, and of course our relationship with God.

Loneliness brings three invitations

The French philosopher Blaise Pascal wrote in the 1600s, ”All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
Ouch! But that rings so true for me. I am often so ill-at-ease with myself that I can’t sit quietly in a room alone. The emotional pain of not living up to my standards (never mind God’s) means I have to distract myself from the hurt and ache with social media or by binge-watching box-sets or doing something else, almost anything else. So, the first invitation is to find peace with ourselves, for “I am not lonely if I enjoy my own company.”

The second invitation is to seek out connection and relationship with others

Here I have another choice. I can either choose self-pity and passivity, or I can choose action, which involves reaching out for friendship and acceptance. Am I lonely because I have neglected to build deep, healthy, nourishing relationships and now I am reaping the consequences? I can feel sorry for myself or I can do something about it. If I reach out, an acquaintance may be busy, or I may be rejected. But if I don’t take action, I can’t expect to form new friendships. If I opt for sending a message, or making a call and reaching out, there is even greater joy to be found in meeting the needs of others rather than purely seeking to meet my own need for friendship.
I believe this second invitation, to connect with others in the giving and receiving of friendship, builds upon the first invitation to love and enjoy self. Jesus’ command is to love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31). If we love ourselves poorly, then we are likely to love others with the same poverty.

In my twenties, I had friends but I still felt lonely, in part because I failed to love and accept myself. To love ourselves is not to become inward-looking, but rather it is to adopt the Father's posture towards us, which is that he loves us whilst seeing all of our flaws (1 John 3:1). I fundamentally believe that we are only able to feel loved and accepted by others to the degree that we love and accept ourselves. It didn’t seem to matter how much my friends sought to bless and affirm me: I lacked the capacity to receive and retain that love when I failed to adequately love, value and respect myself.

Loneliness brings a third invitation, to consider our relationship with God

Jesus is always with me. Heavenly Father is always available: God is living inside me by his Holy Spirit. So why do I feel lonely? Is it because he feels distant, because my heart is turned towards other things, or because I am in rebellion? I’ve come to believe that God can use our loneliness to let us know we need not only connection and relationship with others, but also that we need deep intimacy with Him.

Perhaps sometimes loneliness is the invitation to find connection and completion in Christ. What if loneliness was just a reminder that only God can satisfy our deepest longing for connection and acceptance? Am I ready to accept this painful invitation? I am convinced that solitude is very different from loneliness and that there is a deep richness, creativity, nourishment and healing, to be found in solitude. Alas, I seldom seem to experience the benefits of solitude, because I’ve gotten into the habit of distracting myself from the discomfort of loneliness (which often comes first). The invitation, I believe, is to enjoy time alone in the presence of our maker and saviour, to enjoy the peace of self-acceptance and much more importantly his acceptance.

Embrace moments of loneliness

My “bubble” family move to the other side of the world in the next few months. I hope in the moments of loneliness which may come, that I embrace its invitations and choose to accept myself as I am, because God does. I hope that I choose to reach out and meet the needs of others, and in doing so build deep, lasting friendships. And I hope that I choose to reject the distractions, and instead delight myself with my saviour and redeemer, and so experience the richness and creativity of solitude. 

This article was originally published in the Winter 2024 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.