Understanding my life backwards

The Coronavirus pandemic was my introduction to TFT and the Women of Light group, and I have enjoyed wonderful fellowship across borders, at the online conferences, as well as support on the Facebook page.

There is a Danish philosopher, Søren Kierkegaard, who is known for this quote: “Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards.” I start with that quote because I was recently diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, which now helps quite a few things in my life make sense.

In my school years, I loved most lessons but dreaded break times; I actually did not know how to spend them. The class queen bee left me out, and I really only had one friend. At some point, when I was about twelve, I knew I was a girl, but I really wanted to be a boy. I dressed like a boy for at least a year and only wore skirts three times in five years. I also played with the boys when it was our turn on the football field, as it was too difficult for me to deal with the two-faced girls. I have just discovered that this is pretty common for girls with Asperger’s, and it makes sense to me, both the longing to be a boy and the knowing deep inside that I am not a boy. I thank God it was not a possibility to get male hormones then!

Finding peace as a woman

As a teenager, I developed a personal relationship with God, which is the best thing that ever happened in my life. Realising that this good God has made me female, and declared that to be good, made me open to exploring being a woman. I also took steps to wear dresses occasionally, a little make-up, etc. Part of the healing has also been being a member of a Christian dance group in my church for over 15 years, and through this knowing a healthy and physical fellowship with other women, with God/Christ as the centre. “What was broken in a group setting is only healed in a group setting,” somebody said, and I believe there is truth in that. I have been attracted to both men and women. I first discovered an attraction to women as a teenager watching an opera, where a lady played the man’s part and then, of course, kissed a woman. It gave me a special feeling and made me open to accepting homosexuality.

Shortly after, at a Christian camp, some of the girls talked about homosexuality. One of the girls who was my age said, “I do not think God likes it”. She gave me some scriptures (from Romans, I believe), and encouraged me to go home and read them. Back home, I looked at them and found that God did not want us to live in same-sex relationships. To me, knowing Christ was far more important than a sexual relationship with another girl/woman. I also had a couple of boyfriends, but on a very platonic level. Unfortunately, people with Asperger’s are fooled more easily. When I was a child, I had my sexual boundaries broken down by some older children, including one of my brothers, which may have cast a shadow over male sexuality for me. 

Receiving and offering help

When I was about 30, at a weekend with one of the Christian groups I belonged to, I met a friendly and lively lady. She was a married woman, nine years older than me, with three children. We had a fun weekend with lots of talk and laughter. Afterwards, we kept in contact. She would text me up to five times a day and make excuses to leave her home so we could meet. She was very forward, with lots of physical contact, such as hugs and holding hands. After a while, I felt a bit suffocated and worried. So, I contacted a Christian psychologist who could help me. He was the one who pointed out a Danish Christian ministry to me, called Basis, for people with same-sex feelings. I then joined that organisation, even though I did not feel I was primarily homosexual. Basis shut down a few years ago, but then KNUS (Christian network for challenged sexuality) started in March 2020. It has a similar work to Basis, but it is interdenominational, independent and run by people who can identify themselves as people with challenged sexuality. I am now a part of KNUS. I hope we can support a lot of young Christians who struggle sexually and help them see that their only option is not just to follow their same-sex feelings.

This article was originally published in the summer 2022 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.