More myself than ever

I was brought up by two loving Christian parents. They both worked in full time Christian ministry, so I spent much of my childhood in or around church.

I can’t really remember not knowing God, but it was during my teenage years that it felt like I realised that God was real and I wanted to commit to following Him. I was bullied at school for being gay, but church was always a safe space for me, being away from school. I didn’t understand or even admit to myself about the attractions I had and tried to ignore my attractions by thinking, “It is not possible for me to be gay, as I am a Christian.”

When I started university, I got stuck into church. We were encouraged to invite people to the student Alpha course, so I invited a girl called Emily from my halls to come. I was surprised when she said yes and came along with me. But it turns out she was more interested in me than Jesus.

One night after Alpha she invited me into her room. She sat down on her bed and started crying. I didn’t know what to do. Eventually she told me that she ‘liked’ me. “Oh no!” I thought, that is not what I wanted. So, in order to let her know I wasn’t interested, I told her, “I’ve been thinking that I might be gay.” She calmed down and said, “Well, I’ve always wanted a gay BFF.” “Ouch,” I thought. After our conversation, I went back to my room and cried and cried. I wept most of that night. I hadn’t realised that it was true until I said it out loud for the very first time.

I went home in the Easter holidays and I told my parents what had happened. They told me that they would love me whatever and there was no need to rush at figuring out my sexuality. So I went back to university and didn’t mention my sexuality until a year later (now aged 20).

I was walking back from church with some friends and ended up in a conversation with my friend Duncan. For some reason I made an off-hand remark about the incident with Emily the year before. When I got back to my room, I had received a message from Duncan that said he didn’t take what I had said lightly and that he was in fact gay too.

We met for coffee and he told me his story. I was still unsure about what my theology around this issue would be. I was surprised that Duncan had chosen the liberal perspective on same-sex relationships. This was surprising as our church had decided “not to opt-in” to conducting same-sex marriages (which had been recently introduced in my denomination). Duncan was someone I trusted, so maybe the endorsement of same-sex relationships wasn’t bad after all.

Mixed thoughts and feelings

When we returned to university the following Autumn, Duncan had got a boyfriend. I had mixed feelings about this, but I trusted him and it was probably a relief that us dating was not a possibility. Duncan and I got involved launching a new Christian student group across the city that linked to a wider student Christian organisation. Our student committee included Christians from different  denominations. It was a very exciting time and we had a launch event for 80 people.

However, I found a few days later that another student team member, who attended a more conservative church than ours, “found out” about Duncan’s same-sex relationship. She had raised it as an issue to the wider organisation. This paused all our plans and the wider organisation was now going to go into a “discernment” process over the summer about whether student committee members could or could not be in a same-sex relationship. We were not allowed to talk to anyone about it (except for pastoral reasons) and we didn’t talk to each other. It felt like we had been shut down and I was unable to explain what happened to all my friends after such a public launch.

The same day that I had been informed about the discernment process, I subsequently went to an unrelated Christian student session, which turned out to be about faith and freedom of speech. I sat through an extremely painful session about Christians’ frustrations around not being able to express themselves in public on the same-sex topic. While the session was well intended, there was no mention of it being possible to be both gay and a Christian, and on an emotional level it felt like was quite the opposite.

This was now too much! I could no longer ignore my sexuality anymore. When I got back to room, I was completely overwhelmed with tears. This led me to the realisation that I had to be first honest with myself that I was attracted to men / was gay. Second, I had to be honest about it to God. Third, I had then to be honest about it with people I cared about and trusted. During the following week, for the first time I came out to six people that I cared about. This included my brother who said to me with a big smile, “Well, I had noticed that you weren’t interested in girls.”

After months of waiting over the summer for a conclusion to the “discernment” process, the organisation decided not to make a decision. Duncan left the group due to not feeling supported enough, while other committee members left due to not having a more liberal stance. This left me in the middle, unable to pick up the pieces. I was burnt out and so I eventually left the group too. This spiralled into a stark spiritual season for me of many “dark nights of the soul”, where I struggled over intertwined pain and the same-sex topic.

I felt unable to read the Bible during this time, for fear of what it might say, that it might contain things I could not handle. My struggles with sexuality were now caught up with the disagreement between my former friends, an organisation that I was not yet able to forgive and my grief over my group ending when I had felt like it was my calling.

Every day I would get stuck in the same loop in my head: “I know that God is good. I know that God made me, but why did He make me like this if this isn’t how He wants me to live? So how can He be good? But I know He is good!” There was only one thing I was able to do. I would sing worship songs every single moment I was alone. I would pour out my heart to God, using words that had already been written for me. This was how I was able to trust God daily and I felt completely reliant on him to get through.

Receiving God’s promises

A few months passed, and I went on the student church weekend way. During the prayer time, God made me a promise:
“I will make you more yourself than you have ever been before.” (Boy. Did He eventually deliver on this!)

This was a real turning point for me. I still had the pain, but I held onto this promise and over time the pain to started to heal. I graduated from university and took an internship with my church. It was amazing! This was an incredibly healing time for me. I had been given the time and space to process my sexuality and unravel my pain and baggage.

I was able to chat about my story and theology with my minster. I was being used in church in my own right and exploring my gifting in a safe environment that slowly edged me out of my comfort zone. I remember praying for someone at church about an issue that related to same-sex: for the first time, I realised that God might be able to use my sexuality for good. I spent time thinking about what it means to have our identity in Christ and went through the Bible’s verses about who God says we are, such as us being His handiwork and His temple. I spent a wonderful amount of time praying through this and embracing it.

I was beginning to feel like God was delivering on His promise to me to make me more like myself! Then Covid lockdown hit. I was stuck again, but this time behind international borders! My parents were missionaries abroad at this point, so I was unable to join them. I was kindly taken in by an older couple from church, but all I wanted to do was go ‘home’ and be with my parents (‘my family’). God really challenged at this time on what my idea of family was and that He was my home. Family was a big idol that I had to give over to Him. I know now that He is the only one I can completely trust, as everything else in my life is temporary.

Journeying with others

Anyway, when life became more normal, I moved city for work. I was now left unsure of how to proceed with processing my sexuality and faith. God had always provided for me in my life, time and time again. I wondered whether TFT might be a support and provision from God that I now needed, so I registered to attend the TFT day conference in London. But I caught Covid and couldn’t attend. This led to me being in email contact with TFT and then regularly meeting a Voluntary Worker from TFT via online video calls. It was very helpful to be able to chat about my story and to explore my theology more.

The following year I did attend the TFT day in London and “Wow!” I was completely blown away. Firstly, I had never seen anyone speak out loud “in the flesh”,  who had both same-sex attraction and the conservative biblical perspective on sex and relationships. I was stunned!

The biggest thing was that the room was full of people of joy, life and faithfulness to God. Real struggles, but so much life and joy. Wow!

It was the first time being in a room, where I truly felt represented! And it was powerful. I realised that it was not only possible to live as a celibate same-sex attracted Christian, but fundamentally it was good. God’s plan for my life could be one filled with life and joy (despite the real struggles). The faithfulness in the room shone; people knew the cost of following Jesus and did so anyway. God has given me the privilege to be faithful to Him.

I have been continuing to meet with my Voluntary Worker online, and it has been so life-giving and an incredible journey. I went to the National Conference. I was blown away again. I had spent years doing my absolute upmost to avoid talking about my sexuality and now I was able to spend time with people further on their journey who had wisdom, as well as talking about real-world dilemmas and struggles of living.

If I was straight, I would never know God in the same way. I have encountered Him more deeply because of this journey I have been on. It is truly a privilege to be able to honour God with my whole life.

This article was originally published in the Spring 2025 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.