Be a wise friend

During my Curate training, the higher-ups thought it would be a good idea to make me (I use that word deliberately) do a placement in a school. To be fair, it was indeed a good idea. The thinking is that it helps Assistant Curates (assistant ministers) understand the inner workings of Church of England schools. When I wasn’t accidentally giving the wrong answers to Key Stage Two maths questions (that was humbling!), I was observing just how easy it was for the children to make friends. No drama. No angst. Friendship was just so natural for them.
 

Lacking true friendship

Perhaps it all gets that little more challenging as we grow up. But from the youngest to the oldest, friendships are vital. However, in our culture, wouldn’t you agree that friendship is a neglected aspect of life? Friendships are seen by many as a secondary concern, especially when compared to the focus given to romantic relationships in our society.  
Unfortunately, I think the undervaluing of friendship happens in many churches too. Words from the Rich Mullins song “Elijah” often hit me, “There's people been friendly, but they'd never be your friends. Sometimes this has bent me to the ground.” Those lyrics transport me to many conversations at TFT conferences. Sure, at church people can be friendly enough (at least at times), but so often the interactions stall there. 

Better friendship

What can we do when we feel those words of the song are true of our experience? Well, when I have felt that, during my better moments, I have found it helpful to try to put the onus on myself and simply try to be a better friend for others. The book of Proverbs provides at least four ways we can be inspired to do that: 

 1) Be a fearful friend

“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.” (Proverbs 9:10)

I wonder, when did you last see an expert at work? The sewer who can thread a needle instantly. The musicians who make what is complex look so natural. Well, the word for wisdom used in Proverbs can carry the meaning of skill. You see, the dichotomy between knowledge and practice is unknown in the book of Proverbs. Biblical wisdom invites us to become experts who demonstrate our skill in relationships, conversations and our understanding of the world. In other words, to be wise, biblically speaking, is to become skilful experts at living life. To be wise is to live life well so that we give God glory.
So, where does this skill come from? Well, the very beginning of wisdom, its initial seed that helps it to grow, is the fear of the Lord. To reverence God, to fear dishonouring him, to put him first, that is how we start to live wisely.  
To understand the proverbs on friendship, we must look at them through the lens of the fear of God. When we put our relationship with Him first, all the other relationships can be placed in their right order.  
This changes everything. For example, a friend who fears God is one that doesn’t make the relationship about their desire, their emotional fix, their control. If the root of being an overly burdensome and emotionally dependent friend is idolatry, then surely the remedy is to cultivate the fear of the Lord in our own hearts.

  
2) Be a loving friend

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” (Proverbs 17:17) 
 

The scriptures view friendship so highly that they are considered somewhat synonymous to kin relations. What is more, this friend loves at all times. Fairweather friends are not in mind here. It is proverbs like this one, that make me think friendship can be so great they don’t have to be artificially made, more like other relationships, such as marriage. The Bible’s presentation of friendship is so beautiful that friendship doesn’t need to be turned into anything different. 
Perhaps the desire to potentially add to friendship or fearing that friendship would not be enough for us without a sinful sexual relationship, stems from never really having experienced the Bible’s description of true friendship.  
When we feel let down by others, it’s worth challenging ourselves with this proverb. How often do we fail to love others? How often do we put our comfort and desire before what would be good for them? If the answer is more often than we’d like to admit, then there’s work to be done in becoming that friend who loves at all times, through good and bad, through thick and thin. 

3) Be a loyal friend

“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24)

  
Alongside love, loyalty is a mark of true friendship. This loyalty is so great that in this proverb, a friend is not just considered on par with kin, but even greater.

  
Of course, the parallelism in Proverbs sheds light on the saying’s meaning. Here, there is a comparison deployed in the parallelism. The comparison is between many companions and a single friend. What’s the point of having many companions and acquaintances? When things are tough, those relationships can’t be relied upon. The wise know that one true friend is more desirable than countless companions who won’t stick around during tough times. But in comparison to the one with many surface level relationships, there is a friend who sticks closer than even a brother.

  
Throughout Proverbs, I think it is assumed the potential number of these loving, loyal relationships will be relatively small. Indeed, how can they not be when such commitment is desired? Although potentially few, however, isn’t it encouraging to know that the Bible says these kinds of relationships are possible to enjoy?

  
Perhaps you feel like you have many acquaintances, but not many, if any, of the friends described in this verse. If that’s you, what is the best way to grow these relationships? Praying for them is vital, of course. Powered by prayer, there needs to be a level of intentionality in cultivating them, while allowing them to develop naturally. But also, we can seek to be that wise, loving, loyal friend for others. I think it is often when we are this person for others, that we will find those who become that person for us. 

4) Be a truthful friend 

“Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” (Proverbs 27:5-6)

This is a tough saying, isn’t it? A true friend is a truthful friend. This links us back to point one. Rather than telling someone what they want to hear, in love, we can encourage people to become more and more those who God is calling them to be. I think that implies the depth of intimacy we can enjoy with other Christians is potentially great. It also means that God should always be the centre of gravity in the friendship. The best friends are those who make us more like Jesus. That would mean they tell us the truth and sincerely challenge us when we need it. If we love our friends, we’d seek to be that type of friend for them.  

Proverbs encourages you to be a fearful, loving, loyal and truthful friend. How do you think you stack up? Of course, we will fail. We will never perfectly live out those proverbs on friendship. However, there is one who has.  

The ultimate friend

Jesus is our Lord and King. He is also our friend (John 15:14). Jesus Christ, the wisdom of God (1 Corinthians 1:24), truly lived these proverbs out. He is a friend who perfectly feared His heavenly Father (Isaiah 11:2), loves us more than we can comprehend (John 13:1), loyally sticks close (Matthew 28:20), and who is The Truth (John 14:6). As we seek to grow in imitating Christ, we are given the best reference point imaginable to teach us how to do friendship well. 

This article was originally published in the Autumn 2024 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.

To give space to discuss certain articles in greater depth, the TFT staff team will be recording occasional podcasts under the banner “Ascend Higher”, covering the issues raised in a more conversational style. To hear it for yourself, you can use the audio player below.