God's grace was sufficient for me

TFT: What it was like for you growing up, Malcolm?

Malcolm: I grew up with I suppose I'd say a normal family. I had good parents. I had a stepmother because when I was born my mum died in childbirth. And then, a year later, my dad got married to the person I knew as “Mum” - she was a lovely person - really kind. I was always a bit insecure and I can remember as a young child looking for something that wasn't there; that could be me knowing that my real mum wasn't there. Moving areas might have brought in some insecurities in my life too. But I had a caring family.

TFT: And were you brought up as a Christian?

Malcolm: Our parents were church-goers. We went to Sunday school and then, when I was about 13, my parents became Christians and then we were much more involved with church. As a teenager, I gave my heart to the Lord at the age of 13. But that was also about the time I realised that I was attracted to my own sex, unlike my friends who were really into girls. This was something that set me apart because, unlike these days, it wasn't talked about at all. You know, except in a derogatory way. I kept my sexuality to myself.

TFT: So how did that leave you feeling, having those attractions?

Malcolm: I was confused. I met a Pentecostal church minister, who was starting up a church in Ramsgate and we became friends. I trusted him and possibly some of my attachment feelings was towards him. One day I sat down and told him about my homosexual feelings and he was very understanding and friendly and he said that he’d help me. But, unfortunately, he had other ideas. One Saturday night we went London and he organised accommodation. During the night he started touching me. The next day I felt terribly guilty, but he just brushed it off. And then, as time went on, it carried on. I didn't seem to be able to stop it: I'm not sure if I wanted to stop it.

TFT: That must have added to your feelings of confusion. Someone who was supposed to be helping you was taking advantage of you.

Malcolm: It did. And after that four months we went to stay in a flat with his parents and they were away once. Things went a bit further than they had before. The next day he just turned on me and said he didn't want anything to do with me. He left me in limbo. I couldn't tell my parents. I remember I was quite unwell and was having panic attacks and I just felt rejected.

TFT: So the whole thing affected your mental health quite badly?

Malcolm: Yes. I started going to an Anglican church and there was a good youth leader there. He and his wife became really good friends with me. They gave me some stability and the church helped me through my 20s. When I was about 27 I met my wife. I did tell her about what had happened. She thought my sexuality could change. She had had a bad upbringing and a lot of rejection and maybe we saw something in each other. We had three children, but the marriage was quite stormy. We stayed together for 32 years. We would move churches because of her rejection problem. We stopped going to church completely for the last 10 or 15 years of our marriage. Part of me felt that I'd let her down though, because sex wasn't always easy.

TFT: That must have been really difficult

Malcolm: When I was 55, I had to take early retirement because I nearly died of a ruptured aneurysm. I had several operations. We lost our home and had to go into rented accommodation. My wife and I and our youngest son moved in with my eldest son. He was suddenly taken very ill. By the time we got into the hospital, he was paralysed from the shoulders down. My wife wanted him to move hospitals for her convenience, without their permission. I told the hospital authorities and the police were called. The security staff put her out of the hospital and she tried to be violent towards me. When she returned home she threw all my belongings and everything away. I wasn't allowed to go back to the house, so I was more or less homeless. The hospital let me stay with my son.

I was put in a horrible Bed and Breakfast for a few days and ended up in the men's hostel, which was very grim. If I hadn't had ill health, I probably would have been on the streets. I went for a walk around town and saw a church. This church could have been any church and I just prayed to God, “OK God, are you in this?” And I stayed for the service and then I stayed for the coffee and a mince pie. No one really talked to me because I had ill-fitting clothes and was a bit scruffy. But the church warden came up with a lady and she welcomed me. I told her that I'd lost everything and I didn’t know if my son would ever walk again. He was diagnosed with a very rare condition, but the lady encouraged me by saying it was possible he could walk again. It nearly knocked me off my feet! When I got back to my hostel, I knelt down and gave my heart to the Lord. When my son came out of hospital we were put into a Travelodge and I started to go to church. That's now my home. For the first time people started talking to me. My vicar that if I carried on attending, they would help me. Three months later we got a council bungalow and people from the church helped to furnish it. After about five months, I wanted to be open and I told my vicar I was gay. I thought he would reject me, but he was so supportive. It was a big relief.  I joined the church in January 2014. 

I have my struggles with emotional dependency, which is idolatry. It's a pain within you, when all you can do is think about the person. I had an attraction to the youth minister at church and told him. I then told the vicar that I would have to leave church because I’d messed up. But my vicar wanted me to stay. This was a huge acceptance of me. My vicar is my minister, but also my friend. I had never allowed myself to have friends. Under his agreement, I am accountable to him. We have subsequently discussed the assaults that I suffered at the hands of the Pentecostal minister when I was younger. My vicar finally validated my feelings by saying that I had been sexually abused and the minister should have been convicted.  He also wanted to baptise me in my church under his leadership and with my home group present. I confessed my emotional dependency issues and there was forgiveness and care for me too. I now experience brotherly love like no other. Confessing past wrongs and present sins have brought things into the light and their power has now been broken.   

TFT:  And do you think that, having broken some of the hold that emotional dependency had on you, it had less power over you in the future?

Malcolm: I am aware of my weaknesses, but I now have very good friendships.

TFT: That's such a powerful story about the power of affirmation and the power of welcome. And also the power of people staying with you when you had anticipated their rejection and then they surprised you with their love.

Malcolm: I've been able to help people as well, to come alongside and support people.  I am very much trusted at church and have a ministry. It’s been a thrill. My son is in a same-sex relationship now. He knows that if he gets married to his partner I would go to the wedding because I love him, but I’m clear with him that I hold to biblical teaching and do not support same-sex sexual relationships. I know not everyone at my church would agree with that decision to go to the wedding, but I’m praying for my son and his partner to come to the Lord. There is an open door between us always.

TFT: Malcolm, you've shared about a lot of hardship in your life and a lot of struggles with health and relationships and homelessness and sexuality. How has that affected your faith journey? 

Malcolm: I have struggled with accepting that I am loved and cared for by God because I have experienced a lot of rejection and heartache. But I know that God has always been present and faithful in my life and that fact will always crush my doubts. One of my other sons got saved three months ago! I can see God working. God has used my homelessness to speak to others, as I help those who live in hostels and need to use foodbanks. I met a belligerent man who said that no one understood his situation. I could honestly say that I did!

Sometimes I may not be changing at a fast enough rate for some Christians, but I can say that God is patient and is doing His work in me. My faith has increased so much, especially with my youngest son’s healing. Bearing in mind a third of sufferers with his condition do not walk again. Over a period of about 4 years he went from using a wheelchair to walking! During this very painful process, he also passed with good grades at A level and went on to gain a first-class degree in maths. I have seen many answers to prayers in his life. I continue to pray for him to come to Christ.
 

This article was originally published in the Summer 2024 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.