When Truth Alone Is Not Enough: Speaking Well at the Well

It should have been a really joyful conversation. My brother had phoned to say he’d met a woman who’d started going to his church, and after so many years of finding it hard to be single, he was now talking about marriage. But something in his voice was…off? There was a hesitation and strain I didn’t understand, and I couldn’t work out why he hadn’t mentioned any of this to me before now.

Then he told me - he knew I wouldn’t approve of him marrying her, because of something that had happened in her past, and because of the beliefs he thought I held about it. He wasn’t blaming or criticising me, but there was so much pain in his voice. I was completely thrown. I couldn’t recall ever having that conversation with him, or even discussing the issue when he was in the room. What beliefs did he think I held? Were they ones I actually did hold? How had I caused him so much pain without even realising it?

And that has stayed with me - the fact that I had unintentionally caused him pain. Things I Couldn’t even remember saying had stayed with him and weighed on him. I hadn’t given enough consideration to speaking well about a difficult topic. But what does ‘speaking well’ even mean? I can’t find anything in the Bible to make me think it’s wrong to talk about challenging theology or personal convictions: suffering, divorce, reparation for slavery, infant baptism, speaking in tongues, women in church leadership, sexuality, gender identity, abortion, Israel/Palestine - none are obviously “off-limits” topics. But before we choose which hills we’re willing to die on, let’s acknowledge that the Bible does insist on how we engage with others: “But in  your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect…” (1 Peter 3:15).

Peter is talking about responding to those who threaten us (v14). But if we’re to respond to aggressors with gentleness and respect, shouldn’t we be behaving this way with everyone? I’m going to try and thread a difficult needle here, so please bear with me.As Christians, truth matters to us. For us, Jesus does not just represent truth. He is the Truth (John 14:6). Truth is only truth if it aligns with him. He is the yardstick of truth by which all things are measured. So of course, truth matters. But (hold off the stoning for a moment) can I suggest that truth alone, even theological truth, should never be the end goal in itself.

My evidence? Let’s look at Jesus. Can I invite you to fall even more in love with Jesus as we see him showing gentleness and respect in the longest one-on-one conversation recorded in the Gospels? It’s not the famous John 3 encounter with Nicodemus, but the very next chapter, with the Samaritan woman at the well. Get yourself comfortable, switch on your Bible, and scroll to John 4 as we watch Jesus thoughtfully prepare the stage. Quick question: How many disciples does it take to buy food for Jesus and the disciples? All of the disciples, apparently (v8). Can I strongly suggest this is Jesus moving them off to the side? Giving her privacy so she doesn’t have this conversation in front of a crowd? Gentleness and respect. Then hear how the Christ, the everlasting Lord, the Godhead veiled in flesh, the incarnate Deity, begins this conversation - by asking for a drink. How ridiculously wonderful is that?

Asking for a drink, not giving doctrines or directives. He’s lifting her up to a position where she can meet his need. Gentleness and respect. By the way, he never seems to get that drink. Instead, the woman asks a question naming race and gender issues of the day, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” It’s very fair that she’s calling out these issues and she surely deserves an answer. Jesus’ response doesn’t address them. Instead it’s about relationship with him - if you knew me…you would ask me…I would give you. Isn’t that astonishing? Jesus says that if someone like her (or me, or you) really knew him, she wouldn’t run and hide. There is no doubt: she would come to him - she’d be confident in his grace, his mercy, his character and his limitless, fierce love. She would ask because she would know him - and because he’s Jesus, he would give. That matters for us. Knowing Jesus draws people towards him. So when we have these difficult conversations, surely our great aim is to help people know him - the real Jesus.

More than simply giving good answers to difficult questions, we are to make him known. But look how Jesus makes himself known. In these early exchanges, she is doing much of the talking. The Word of God, who has the words of eternal life, is listening just as much as he is talking. Gentleness and respect. If he can do that, can’t I?
And then Jesus mentions ‘husband’. She tries to…mislead? He responds with truth, but without condemning her - “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.” Jesus is speaking truth, but it’s truth with gentleness and respect -enough gentleness and respect that she continues the conversation.

I apologise, but this is when things get really offensive. “Our ancestors worshipped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.” Surely this would be highly offensive to any God-fearing Jew - the Jews didn’t ‘claim’ anything. God himself had explicitly selected Jerusalem for the Temple, housing the Ark of the Covenant, containing the stone tablets with the Ten Commandments inscribed by the finger of God. Someone had inserted into the Samaritans’ version of the Ten Commandments that worship was to take place on their Mount Gerizim. I’m sorry [actually I’m not sorry at all], but you don’t get to change God’s word to make it fit in with your own culture and beliefs. For a believing Jew, changing God’s word - most especially the Ten Commandments - was unthinkable. Why was it changed? Because someone thought they had a right to? To make it more acceptable? More convenient? Whatever the reason, it would be so incredibly offensive to any believing Jew, to Jesus himself, and to me. Don’t you feel the anger too? Defending God’s word, surely that’s a hill I’m willing to die on?

I’m ready and willing for Jesus to show some righteous anger here. But… he confounds me. He doesn’t avoid the truth - “You Samaritans worship what you do not know” - but quickly moves the conversation to relationship - “Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.” ‘The Father seeks’ - the Father is seeking her, seeking relationship with her, and with the Samaritan people.
That doesn’t mean we should airbrush out Jesus’ anger. The same Jesus we’re watching treat this woman with incredible dignity is also the Jesus who responds fiercely when people are burdened (Luke 11:46), denied mercy (Mark 3:4-5), kept from him (Mark 10:14), or when his plan of salvation is opposed (Mark 8:33). Back at the well, we’re almost there - now Jesus reveals who he is: “I am he.” No lecture on divorce laws, no condemning whoever changed God’s word. Do those things matter?

Absolutely they do, but the goal of theology is not correct theology. The goal is knowing, worshipping, and following the true God revealed to us through correct theology.
Being told truth, even accepting truth, is not enough. Demons knew Jesus was the Son of God and that he would be victorious over them (Matthew 8:29). Even studying Scripture, as good as that is, is not enough (John 5:39-40). Perfect theology wouldn’t save us. We need a real relationship with the real Lord Jesus. Truth is not optional. Truth is essential because you can’t have a true relationship with the true Jesus without truth. Everything Jesus says is truth, but he doesn’t answer every question. Have you noticed how few he directly answers in the Gospels? When he does answer the Samaritan woman, he doesn’t let the fact that she’s wrong become a wall between them - he moves the conversation onto relationship with him, and he does it with gentleness and respect.

And talking of walls, don’t you love how Jesus finishes his encounter with her? He does the exact opposite of what he did at the beginning. “Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony…They said to the woman… we know that this man really is the Saviour of the world.” Look at him. Look what that outrageously loving and compassionate Jesus has done. They came and spoke with her. Jesus not only offers salvation. He also meets the human need for community. Before he leaves, he brings her into fellowship - a brand-new family of believers to belong to. Don’t you love him so much?

So, what does this mean for us, when we’re invited to have one of those “interesting conversations”? Maybe we start with a pause? It wouldn’t be crazy to ask for a drink - be a little bit vulnerable and give ourselves a moment to pray. Remind ourselves: gentleness and respect.
Or maybe we don’t even answer the question. Wes Huff, the Canadian theologian, talks about gently asking why a person is asking a particular question. We don’t know what pain or fear might lie behind a question.

1 Peter 3:15 says “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.” We must be prepared to talk about ‘hope’. We don’t have to give answers to every question of theology or matter of belief. But when we do, let’s make sure we’re pointing to Jesus. Let’s make sure we’re faithfully communicating God’s love and desire for relationship. If we need to talk about sin, let’s make sure we do it with gentleness and respect. How did the conversation go with my brother? I remember his hurt more than I remember what I said. It was about 18 years ago. I think I fluffed my way through. What do I wish I had said? I wish I’d started by saying God’s heart is always for the vulnerable and those society rejects. That even in difficult areas of life, God’s commands reveal his concern for protection, security and care. And that this shows us the nature of the loving and caring Father we have. That his face and heart are always turned towards us. Sending us Jesus proved that forever. I wish I’d started there.

The greatest teacher in history did not come primarily to teach or correct our thinking. Jesus came to this world to bring us salvation. On Calvary he made the ultimate sacrifice to reconcile us with God. That was the hill he was willing to die on.

This article was originally published in the August 2026 online Ascend.