God restored me

I have been a Christian for over 50 years. I was born into a Christian family, but that didn’t make me a Christian. I then heard a simple yet profound message based on John 3:16:

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes on Him shall not perish but have eternal life”.

Although I was only 9, I knew I had been born in sin, as we all are, and the only way to be right with God was to ask Him for forgiveness. That is when my Christian journey began. The Saviour I came to know then has never left me but always held me, even during my rebellious times. These times occurred when I went against God’s truths in His word. When I was 16, I stopped going to church and told my friends and family I no longer believed in God. But it still amazes me that so many people I met at work were Christians, and it was through talking to one of these Christians (who is still a friend) that I started going back to the church, which I still attend today. 

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

When I think about friendship, three words came to mind: ‘The Good, the Bad and the Ugly’, and that is how I would sum up my friendships. I knew during my teen years that I became over-obsessed with some female friends or teachers. I would want their attention and long to be with them. One was a PE teacher. I loved PE and was in many school teams, so it was easy to be in her presence. Another was a science teacher. I wasn’t very good at chemistry, which was her subject, so I misbehaved to get her attention. I could not understand why I developed these attractions. Once, I tried to share this with someone and their reply was, ‘Oh, crushes are natural at your age’. But at that age, I had no idea about same-sex attraction or what being gay meant. I was 18 and a nurse when someone mentioned another member of staff was gay. They then explained to me about a gay lifestyle, and, for the first time in my life, I thought maybe this is why I am attracted to certain women.

By this time, I had also been in relationships with guys, as that was what people expected, especially Christians. I am thankful that I met my husband, to whom I am still married some 38 years later, and am blessed with a beautiful family. It would be great to end my story here and say, ‘we all lived happily ever after’, but my attractions continued. I would spend days and months of my life attracted to certain women who were usually confident, educated and gifted. I would dream of how I could be with them and how I could make them like me. One of these attractions brought me to TFT; it was the ugliest and most damaging attraction/relationship I have ever had. In 2005 I met a gay woman. I planned to leave my family and home city and move down south with her. I was in mental anguish, as I knew the hurt I would cause my family. I heard ‘the voice of God’ telling me this was wrong, and I would never be truly happy. My family found out about my plans, and that was probably the lowest point of my life, as I recognised the hurt and turmoil I caused them. But God, and a wonderful Christian friend, spoke to me, and I knew what they said was true. I would never be content if I pursued this relationship. I realised that being a child of our Saviour, and yet living a life that His word forbids and hurting so many people, was making me mentally ill. At one time, I contemplated suicide as I felt so alone and unable to cope.

Joining the fellowship of TFT

That is why and how I came to the wonderful fellowship of TFT. I was very broken, and quite ill. I met Martin Hallett, and was blessed to attend a Barnabas Group and meet other people who, like me, were same-sex attracted. I always had really disliked myself, and my self-esteem was so low, but through TFT God helped me to accept myself as I really am. I had always labelled myself a ‘weirdo’ because I lacked understanding of my attraction to women, and had no one to talk to about my feelings. But at TFT, at last, I found this understanding and empathy.

With the help of TFT, God restored me to Himself. He forgave me and has helped to heal my family relationships. As a result, now my family has chosen to forget the past, and I know they love me dearly.

Flagging up risky friendships

I have had friendships since then that I know were going the wrong way. Some have lived in my mind only, but others I have allowed to get too close. I always know that someone means more to me than they should if I think about them too much. I get excited just being with them and, if they cancel a meeting, I feel very disappointed. I found it helpful reading Jeanette Howard’s idea of the flag or point system. A simple explanation (and my version) of this is thinking of each friend as having a flag. Most are white ones, and these are safe friends to whom I am not attracted. But some of my friends can have yellow flags. I do not meet them too often, and don’t spend too much time thinking about them. Others can have red flags, and I know, sadly, that I cannot be friends with them. Many of my friendships are precious, and I aim for them to stay that way. I don’t have best friends, and certainly not ones I spend lots of exclusive time with, because from my own experience I know these can turn bad or even ugly.

I could write a book about my experiences as a same-sex attracted Christian, the mistakes I have made and how God has restored me. I tried to let Him go, but His love for me is perfect. It’s restoring, and it’s constant. Praise Him.

I want to end by quoting Hebrews 12:1. This is my favourite Bible verse:

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a crowd of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.”

To act on my same-sex attractions is sinful. Even being attracted to someone for me is a heavy weight I have to cast aside. I have to run my Christian race with no baggage on my back. Jesus endured the cross for me. He died for me, knowing He, and I, would be with His Father in Glory. When I am weary, I look to heaven and see myself with my Saviour, who loves me unconditionally.

This story was originally published in the autumn 2021 edition of the TFT magazine, Ascend. Click the button below to download your copy.