Should I use a person's preferred pronouns?

True Freedom Trust is a confidential pastoral ministry providing support for Christians who experience same-sex attraction or gender incongruence, and who wish to live under traditional biblical teaching. At our speaking events, we’re frequently asked, ‘should I use a person’s preferred pronouns?’. The question refers to whether it is right to refer to someone by pronouns that do not correspond to their biological sex e.g. calling a biological male she/her or using non-binary pronouns that don’t correspond to either sex such as they/them.

When faced with any ethical dilemma like this, the first question we must ask is, ’does scripture give us a direct, unambiguous, answer?’. If it does, we apply that truth to our dilemma graciously. If it doesn’t, which arguably is the case here, we have some work to do. We must find an answer that sits well with our conscience, draws on all we know of scripture, and is also pastorally sensitive to the people in our care. In seeking to do this, we can ask ourselves six questions to build our answer.

1. What biblical principles should inform our response?
2. Is this response requiring more/less of the other person than the Bible asks?
3. What might this response communicate to the person we are discipling?
4. What effect will this response have on our long-term ability to share the gospel with this person?
5. Does this response feel consistent with how we might approach similar matters?
6. Are we allowing our own sin/prejudice to cloud our judgement?

Arguments Against

Arguments against using a person’s preferred pronouns often come from a desire to acknowledge the truth of how God has created the person. We see two parallel truths in the key verse of Genesis 1:27. The first is that God creates us in his image, and the second is that he creates us male and female. The parallel suggests these two things are of equal importance, and so to compromise on one might quickly unravel what it means to be human. Beyond what we say about the individual, another concern might be that to use a preferred pronoun communicates submission to a worldly ideology that suggests sex and gender are two different things; sex referring to a person’s genetics, gender referring to a person’s inward sense of being a man or a woman.

Arguments For

Arguments for using a person’s preferred pronouns usually take a broad view of the impact of our use of language on others. These arguments emphasise interacting with our surrounding culture respectfully in order to build bridges and avoid causing unnecessary distress. We can make an argument from Acts 17:27-28 where Paul quotes extra-biblical poetry, borrows the pronouns that would originally have referred to Zeus and uses them to point to Yahweh. This might suggest a biblical precedent for borrowing the language of the culture of the day for the sake of pointing someone to the gospel. This view would also question that earlier claim that we would be lying about the way God has created the person if we used their pronouns, as the one making the request likely isn’t using the pronouns to describe their biological sex, but their sense of gender. As they would hold these to be two different categories, they do not use the language in the same way others might, and therefore our using it as they do does not communicate a lie.

Finding a way

This is a complex debate, with both sides offering cogent arguments. We may resonate with one side of the debate more than the other, but it’s also important to remember we’re dealing with people, and it’s always wise to listen to their stories and understand where they are coming from before letting them know our decision. We may find that the wisest, most loving thing we can do for a person in this area may vary on a case-by-case basis. Here are some further pastoral factors that might influence our decision making.

1. What does the person believe about God? Does the person have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ? If not, we may be more comfortable using their preferred pronouns as we wouldn’t expect them to be familiar with what the Bible teaches about sex/gender.
2. What does the person believe about themselves? Asking this question shows genuine interest in the person and helps us to understand where the request is coming from. This will help us decide what we are communicating by using/not using the person’s pronouns.
3. What age is the person? There are additional considerations if the person making the request is under 18. Here, we could argue that using preferred pronouns could reinforce a child’s connection to a worldview they are not yet fully equipped to explore. We are aware of cases of children transitioning socially at a young age, who then change their minds as they go through the puberty associated with their biological sex. This might be a reason not to use a child’s preferred pronouns.
4. How severe is the person’s sense of gender incongruence? We cannot deny the genuine distress that some people experience related to their sense of gender. For some, using the pronouns associated with their biological sex will trigger intense feelings of dysphoria. We may choose to use their preferred pronouns to avoid causing unnecessary distress.
5. What pronouns are they asking us to use? While some may wish for us to use the pronouns associated with the opposite sex, others may prefer to use pronouns that are neither male nor female, such as they/them. We may be more comfortable accommodating these requests.

For some, a helpful middle ground in this discussion is to avoid using pronouns altogether and refer to someone by their legal name, the gender association of which varies according to culture. Whatever our choice, we can respond in a loving and gracious way befitting of disciples of Christ, not giving up hope that all will come to see their biological sex as a good gift from God.

This article was originally produced for Affinity: Gospel Churches in Partnership and first appeared in the Winter 2022 edition of their magazine InTouch